The Real Deal About The Last Nice A-Hole You Dated

Let’s go straight to the point. I see an epidemic amongst women my age, and I honestly wanna dart them with filled syringes for cure. Sadly, it cannot be treated by a shot, and like a disease that just won’t go away—this mental picture of the last, nice a-hole you dated just won’t leave you alone, either. I hate to break it to you, but it’s time to get up, get checked, get treatment, and get over it.

He’s the guy that treated you nice enough to fall for him, but not enough to label what you two have. He’s the guy still under the category of “boys who can shave,” but hey, he was just sweet & persistent enough to get you invested. He’s the guy you had incredible (but shallow) chemistry with, the guy you talked with hour after hour, but still managed to be elusive and vague. He’s given you just enough attention to keep you hooked, but not enough commitment to make you take it one step further. At least he pays for dinner, right? At least he’s not the type who's 5 hours late this time around, right? He’s “mister gentleman,” but he’s the exact bare minimum your father told you about. He made sure you’re doing the cha-cha-cha with him, gliding and stepping according to *his* pace. He says sex is ~special~ or ~sacred~, but still got in bed with you the moment you hinted an opening. Lastly and sadly (brace yourself ‘cos I’m finally gonna say it), he’s still considerably fitting in the pool of a-holes you allowed in your life and still didn't choose to be with you, but the only difference is, he’s ~nice~, and you put him on the tiny yet majestic pedestal in your heart.

It’s like saying you’ve tasted the best dog poo out there. Sure, it’s the most delicious, but it still is crap, and there's no denying that.

The real deal is he knows he’s got a hold of you, and you continue to allow it. The real deal is he knows he can puppet you with minimal movements of his fingers, and you won’t even go against the tugs of the strings. I know, I know. “But he’s the nicest guy I’ve ever met, compared to…,” you say. Sure, why don’t we take a peek at the history of the boys you dated—an honest, objective assessment—shall we? Let’s make an emotional inventory of the people you’ve handed your heart to.

The thing is, you’re also the type of girl who kept falling for crumbs. You were too willing and too eager to go for the jerks, the douchebags, the a-holes. You were willing to be the side-chick, the secret, the other girl. You were willing to be the doormat, the cool girl that didn’t have boundaries or didn’t call out behavior that made you straight up uncomfortable. Why? Because let’s face it, the attention, the desperation for a relationship, and the desire to be loved were all too real. I should know. I used to be like this.

So looking back at your history, is he a good candidate for your happily ever after? Maybe. But only if your happily ever after is a vision of you mothering this boy into (unwanted) maturity, petty fights on who’s upping their ego points, and you crying your eyes out every night because you know in your heart of hearts this isn’t what you desire and dreamed of.

No one wants to beg someone to convince them into choosing them, so why are you still there? It’s time to admit that the reality isn’t living up to the expectation. The truth really does set you free, but more often than not, it hurts you first.

I’m harsh? Maybe. But I’m not the one allowing a naive boy to mishandle my heart with carelessness and immaturity over and over and over again. You call me harsh, I call you masochistic.

Look, darling. I’ve been there. But you have to know this: the (seemingly) good is the enemy of the great. You want a great love? Stop settling for mediocre. There are far too many mediocre things in this world. If he’s not meeting your non-negotiables, then enjoy his friendship (or not). Keep him there. Set parameters and guard rails that you can be accountable to. Sometimes, most of these guys weren’t even supposed to cross over the friendzone, but we’re far too preoccupied with changing our relationship status that we just drag them onto the other side.

“But I just can’t cut him off!” Well, I know you’re attached, but who brought you there anyway? You can stop being a victim of this circumstance when you start taking ownership of your actions. Sure, you messed up, but you don’t have to stay in that mess because it took you a lot of time making it.

I want you to know this: that boy you’re holding onto now is nothing compared to the great Love that awaits you. It’s nothing like the fickle, emotional porn rom-com glamorizes. It’s not petty nor shallow.

Do you know what it feels like to be known fully—flaws and all—and still be loved to the core at the same time? I know you desire that kind of love. The love that sees you through and through and still musters the guts to say, “I choose you.” That’s the kind of love you’re looking for, and guess what honey, that boy ain’t gonna give it to you.

It’s time to make him step down the throne of your heart, and let Him take over. The only Being who can satisfy your deepest longings. The One who sees all of you. He’s the ultimate Lover of your soul. He’s the God who made your heart.

Get up, get checked, get treatment, and get over it. Until then, that cha-cha-cha you’re stumbling on is as good as it gets.

Proverbs 27:6 💓 Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses. 💓

Get up, girl. It's been far too long.
—D