I Received A Letter From My Future Self
Dear Present Danah,
This is your future self knocking some sense into you. You have a come a long way from engaging with him. Remember the emotional rollercoaster he put you through? The haunting memories that took up too much headspace? Remember how you wept as you prayed to forget? Remember the sick yet satisfying feeling that he’s watching over you as your days went by?
It’s been months since you disengaged and the memories are now faint, but he’s back in your radar. It’s almost paralysing, because you enjoy the attention and he makes you feel desired, but at what cost? He only desires you as a sex object, his masturbatory aid. He isn’t your friend. He may keep saying so, but he just won't see nor treat you as one.
Friends don’t fuck. Friends don’t lead each other on. Friends don't crumb the other. Friends don’t message each other at midnight reminiscing how good the sex was, or what they’d do to each other when they get the chance to be left alone. Friends don’t give vague, pathetic answers when you set a date to hang out. They don’t make the other hope for something that isn’t happening. Friends don’t do that.
Stop it, he brings out the wild, thoughtless fool in you. You bring out the overgrown fuckboy in him. There is nothing romantic about it. You have to see it for what it is: a booty call. You’re just another option. He sees you as a toy he can pick up when he’s bored only to leave you back on the floor when he’s done with you. That’s the ugly truth.
You are NO LONGER TO ENGAGE WITH HIM OR REPLY TO HIS MESSAGES. THAT’S THE BEST REVENGE: INDIFFERENCE.
He’s a man from your past—your messy, dirty past. Up until now, that’s still how he sees you. Can’t you recognize how he resurrects the cheap, dirty version of yourself every time he engages? How he effortlessly resurrects 22-year old Danah back? How he can easily make you do things you’ve already sworn off? He doesn’t see you for the woman that you presently are. He’s a call from your past, and you don’t have to pick up the phone anymore. Not anymore.
BLOCK HIM. He doesn’t deserve to see the life you’re building for yourself. He doesn’t get that privilege. He can’t even say he wants you around, he had to use 2 negatives to get his message across.
“I don’t know what I want, but I do know I DON’T want to NOT have you around.”
Translation: I don’t want you, but I don’t want you gone either.
Further translation: Be on standby as my doormat, my plaything.
FUCKING ROMANTIC. WOW. BUTTERFLIES IN THE STOMACH.
You can’t keep doing this to yourself. You can’t keep allowing him to manipulate you this way. You’re always too eager to respond, hoping that he sees your maturity and character and endearing quirks, but he won’t. He just won’t. No matter how much you try to talk about your growth or beliefs, he will NOT go that deep with you. You know you can’t pull the bait and switch on this. It’s a train wreck waiting to happen. You can’t use sex to gain interest. C’mon, Danah. You already know this. You don’t have to try to convince anyone to see your awesomeness. You don’t have to sell yourself short this way.
You are onto bigger and better things. You have to fully shut the door on the past. Shut it close. Turn the key and throw away the lock. Nail planks around it. You’re just an ego boost to his old, decaying manboyhood. You’re young, accomplished, and you being intoxicated by him feeds his hungry pride. You don’t have to participate in this savage cycle. You can choose yourself.
Forgive yourself. Grieve for the woman in you that allowed this to happen; for putting up with it, even when in your core you wanted to shut it down. Understand that you have a need for intimacy, but you can't keep running to its sabotaging counterfeits. Know that you can pick up the pieces and learn from your mistakes. Just because you went there doesn't mean you have to stay there. You can change your mind. There's an unforgettable lesson about rediscovering your value and worth at this point in your life. Dust yourself off. It's time to get back up again.
Forgive yourself. Grieve for the woman in you that allowed this to happen; for putting up with it, even when in your core you wanted to shut it down. Understand that you have a need for intimacy, but you can't keep running to its sabotaging counterfeits. Know that you can pick up the pieces and learn from your mistakes. Just because you went there doesn't mean you have to stay there. You can change your mind. There's an unforgettable lesson about rediscovering your value and worth at this point in your life. Dust yourself off. It's time to get back up again.
Remember, being self-ish means making choices that won’t hurt you in the time to come, it’s taking care of yourself, something that your future self will thank you for.
I see your value. Don’t let me down. I’m counting on you.
I love you,
—Future Danah
1 comments
hi, danah ,, i can relate.. meron din akong friend, kababta ko pa.. halos magktabi lang kami ng house , and im 26 now .. he knows all my secrets and we shared everything to each other kahit may mga sarili kaming karelasyon noon,, last two years ago to be exact ..i know nmana na his a fuck boy .. he share all his dirty little secrets to me .. magkaklase kmi from 1st year to
ReplyDelete4rth year highshool,, iisa lang ang circlce of friends namin,,kasama ko syang mgcutting classes, gumimik, mag mall at kahit saan .. minsan kahit mdaling araw naktambay lang kami sa labas ng bahay nagkekwentuhan , mnsan kajamming pa ysa noon ng bf ko ksama ang gf nya sabay sabay kaming tumtambay sa labas ng bahay .. or kadalasan pag ndi ako maktlog, tatawagan ko sya tatambayan kmi sa tapat ng bahay nmin at magkekwenthan hanggng 3am ng umaga , 10 years kaming mgkaibgan.. or mnsan ka tawagan lng sa phone kapag tinatamd kaming lumabas ng bahay.. bsta ndi buo ung araw namin hanggngt di namin nagagawa yang daily routine nayan .. never ko na feel na nahulog na pla ako kse i know ndi ako ung type nyang babae , and my mga sariling kaming karelasyon .. last 2016 ndi ko inexpect na may mangyari saamin .. and after non ung 10 years friendship nmin nasira,, bgla nalang nawala na prang bula.. i never thought na akala ko kilala ko na sya sa haba ng pnagsamahan nmin. na depressed ako kse pra lang akong basura saknya .. i admit nagkagsto na ko saknya .. o baka nga minahal ko tlga sya.. until now never ko syang nairning na mag sorry or mgsend man lng ng sorry thru messenger .. bnura ko na lahat ng contact ko saknya at lumipat ndin ako ng bhay,, bmukod na ako .. wala akong pnagsabhan ,kinmkim ko lahat pra maka move on ako.. sobrang sakit ng ngyre .. i feel na basura ako dahil isa ako sa naging biktima nya,, pinagkatiwalaan ko sya ..pero after nung my mangyre samin ndi na nya ako pinansin..para akong multo sa harap nya kapag nagkakaslaubong kmi sa daan , and nagpalit din sya ng number. wala a kong narinig na explanation saknya.. araw araw akong umiiyak noon .. and lumapit ako kay God ,, so far dana .. im healing ,, naiyak ako nung nabsa ko tong blog mo .. kse ive been through this,, alam ko mahrap to.. mnsan niallabanan ko pdin ung urge na imessage sya kse alam kong hindi na worth it.. hirap na hirap kong makmove on na nsayang lng ung 10 years na friendship.. mas mhrap pa un kesa sa mga panloloko sakin ng ex ko noon..alm ko ung pkramdam na yan.. gsto ko lng malaman mo ,, ndi ka ngiisa , alam ko kaya mo ,, at mas may deserving na tao para sayo.. para saatin.. thank u dana for sharing this.. love u!!! ,,