God, I'm Losing My Religion

Dear God,

It’s been a rollercoaster ride the past weeks—with some highs feeling like heaven, and some dips feeling like hell. I’m still picking up the pieces so I can make sense of it all. Or at the very least, try to.

I’ve been walking with You for ten years now (maybe just really 4, no one's really sure about these things). My pride has taken this timespan and has given me a sense of adequate knowledge about what this “faith in Jesus” is all about. But after the series of most recent events, I feel like I’m only discovering things for the first time… again.

I thought knowing You to a degree is commendable. I thought serving in ministry, attending church every Sunday, or being moral with my life decisions were enough. I thought, since I’ve already let go of the binge drinking, drugs, and sex, “I have arrived” at a certain level in my spirituality. Worse, I’ve paraded my long, enumerated list of “good deeds” in front of You like a masterpiece, ready for Your delightful acceptance, waiting for Your applause and affirmation—only to find out that all of these works are rags in Your eyes (💖 Isaiah 6:46 We are all infected and impure with sin. When we display our righteous deeds, they are nothing but filthy rags. Like autumn leaves, we wither and fall, and our sins sweep us away like the wind.💖). How stupid of me.

Then it hit me. It hit me hard.

You don’t want my behavior.

You want my heart (💖 Proverbs 23:26 O my son, give me your heart. May your eyes take delight in following my ways.💖 ).

It’s funny how I prayed for You to show me what’s in my heart a week before you cracked it open for me. And wow… there sure are ugly things in there (💖 Jeremiah 17:9 "The human heart is the most deceitful of all things, and desperately wicked. Who really knows how bad it is?💖 ).

Inside my throbbing flesh of a heart are remnants of the sin nature I will continually battle with as long as I borrow every breath from You. I saw pride, ego, selfishness, idolatry, and unbelief. Just when I thought I was a good Christian based on my external behavior, You wake me up from my spiritual slumber and show me how desperate I still am in need of Your guidance and grace. Day by day. Hour by hour. Moment by moment.

I think I tend to resort to religion because it’s easier. It’s all outward. Pray. Attend. Read. Tithe. Voila! Instant spiritual ego boost. All the boxes on the checklist have been ticked off. No one gets to see the motive behind my behavior, and as long as it seemed good for me and others witnessing it, then I’m pretty much self-affirming. I'm okay. Let’s face it, no one knows whether or not I helped another to gratify myself. No one knows whether or not I’m lusting after the brother I chose to sit with at a gathering. No one knows. But You do. You know me full well (💖 Psalm 139:2 You know when I sit down or stand up. You know my thoughts even when I'm far away.💖 ).

But just as casual sex is never genuine intimacy, religion is never a relationship.

That’s what hurt the most. In my pursuit of genuine goodness, I have deceived myself and based it on performance. It’s being faced with the reality that I CAN NEVER DO ANYTHING TO SAVE MYSELF, OR LET ALONE MAKE MYSELF RIGHT WITH YOU. NOTHING I DO CAN EVER QUALIFY ME TO BE YOUR BELOVED. That’s it. It’s like a general putting back his soldier in line, because the soldier has crossed a boundary. It’s like a father reminding his daughter how naive and helpless she still is without his parenting and provision. A necessary spiritual pruning.

How humbling.

That’s what broke my spirit. I'm truly shaken.

It’s being thumped with the brutal but beautiful truth that I have nothing good to show You. There is NOTHING redeemable in me, and even my best good deeds have been stained by bad motives or hidden agendas, no matter how small the spots may be. There's no spotless fruit in me I can pluck out and dazzle You with. It's realizing that this Christian walk is impossible to do, unless I have my full reliance and trust in You. It's understanding fully that I am nothing but a tiny speck in the universe, and my very life is a gift from You. It's knowing that I am only empowered to be brand new because You hold my identity to be true. My spirit is in poverty but there is beauty in the poorness of it, because You are abundant in Love and Grace. You are the ultimate Giver, and generosity is Your language. (💖  2 Corinthians 9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 💖 )

There is nothing I can do to make You love me more. There is nothing I can do to make You love me less. I'm letting this sink in deep.

God, I’m losing my religion, and I want a fresh start.

God, I’m losing my religion. Here, take my heart.



Please pull me through.

—D