Daddy Issues & God's Redemption

Disclaimer: I love my father very much. I may not have grown with him or had a healthy father-daughter relationship with him, but deep in my soul I care for him tremendously. I understand that we are all broken and wretched, and the people closest to us are directly impacted by our choices, but I no longer take my fate against him. I will be careful in telling my story because not everyone has the conviction to tell their personal truth, but I am called to be authentic. I pray that you read my story through the lens of grace and empathy.

It wasn’t long ago when I found myself playing with fire, flirting and dancing with the devil with a temptation that’s all too familiar. This temptation has always promised to satiate my desire to be desired, only to leave me broken and used. It’s the sin I’m still reaping the consequences from up until this very day. It’s the sin that still has scars engraved on my soul. I often beat up myself as the sin of lust still has the power to get the best of me.

Oftentimes, in my moments of weakness, lust has managed to tiptoe along my blind side and deceive me into its lies, inauthenticity, and deviousness. Now you might be wondering why I’m sort of confessing my sins in this post. In my 10 years of walking (and stumbling and wrestling) with the Lord, I’ve matured enough to know that our behavioral sins are merely fruits. There is a deeper cause as to why we succumb to them, hence we must trace as far back to the roots. We all know the tip of the iceberg is nothing compared to the glacier that’s underneath.

“Daddy issues” is slang for a woman’s hyper-desire to be wanted by a man, resulting to messed up relationships (typically sexual and romantic) with men, having little or no standards at all. This is usually caused by the neglect or absence of a healthy paternal authority and/or relationship in her life.

I grew up knowing who my father is; we just didn’t have a real father-daughter relationship. We only started hanging out in my high school years, where we would occasionally drink with other people. I didn’t think much of it, since I thought my family set up was pretty cool (both my parents were teenagers when they conceived us). I remember telling my friends about my drinking sessions with my dad and they’d all end up wide-eyed and envious. I guess that fluffed my ego and it made me feel unabashed.

It was only in my early 20s that I started acting out with my promiscuity, and the more I had casual sex, the more I reasoned out: Daddy issues—that’s what this is. The lack of good male authority and affections over my life is finally catching on to me. To say that I’ve always yearned for male attention is an understatement. That’s usually the beginning of all my downfalls. I have manipulated situations for men to give it to me, I have maliciously given meaning to nothing because of it, and I have settled for crumbs to keep getting it in the past.

A while back, two young women my age were sharing their Christian testimonies with me. They told me how they have settled to be mistresses, and how it was a slow and painful death the moment they allowed themselves to be. When they were reminiscing their regrets, one of them said, “It started with a man giving me attention. I thought myself to be so strong and rode along, up until the point I started *needing* it from him.”

I remember thinking to myself how shallow it all seemed—for one man’s attention to make you compromise so much. To my surprise, not long after our conversation, I found myself similarly compromising parts of me because of—yup, you guessed—a man’s attention.

I still praise God He didn’t allow things to go further, but as I danced with the devil and toed the line of some boundaries, I felt my entire being wrestle with my faith. The seemingly harmless caressing and holding of hands put me under a spell as I continued to silence spiritual convictions internally begging me to flee and to make a run for it before the temptation swallowed me whole (1 Cor 6:18).

When all that’s done and I was alone, I felt my soul grieve inside of me. It wasn’t long until water welled up my eyes as the overflow of regret streamed down my cheeks. I became too comfortable about my streak of physical purity (it’s been 5 years since my last sexual encounter), that I had let my guards down. Purity is elusive if we lose vigilance. I thank God He still protected me from what could have happened, that He still lessened the magnitude of the chaos it could have escalated to (Deuteronomy 36:1).

The deal with letting this man touch me freely is that I’m instantly put under the same category of all the other women he’s done it to. It doesn’t matter that I value my faith, or my intellect; to him, I’m just Danah, one of the girls he carelessly flirted with over the weekend. I’m not playing victim, I take full responsibility for my actions, as I know it takes two to tango. Sure, this is my ego talking, but more than that, it’s also my spirit remorsefully grieving the testimony of Christ in my life that I could have shown him (Hebrews 12:1).

Now I know better to never underestimate the power of a man’s attention. Innocently, it can be like dew drops that slowly seep in the crevices of one’s heart, making its affections bloom. Maliciously, it has enabled smart, competent, and beautiful women to compromise their standards—even risk their own reputation to wreck someone else’s home.

The other day, a friend was confessing his infidelity to me. He told me he knew it was easy because all he had to do was look for a fatherless young woman who he can pour out excessive attention to. I got chills.

Then it clicked.

Men know if a girl has daddy issues. Some of them can smell it from a mile away. They know that no one taught us how to embrace high standards. They are well aware that this lack in our lives has made us insecure, needy, and vulnerable. Unfortunately, some of these men can be ill-hearted, and they will use this knowledge to their advantage.

Our fathers are supposed to show us how to be treated, respected, and valued. They are the giver of our relationship blueprint with the opposite sex. They are our teachers on how to form healthy friendships with men, and how to set standards, should we ever enter romantic relationships. If they fail at this, we will struggle knowing our worth and settle for much less than we deserve. I used to see myself as a hopeless case, but I thank God for God.

Just because I’m fatherless doesn’t mean I’m doomed to keep repeating the same mistakes. It’s one thing to accept our fate and rise above it, and another to accept it as a means to keep making excuses—a free pass to flunk and fail. Sooner or later, you’ll have the face the facts and realize that you are an adult. You have the responsibility to take ownership of your life, no matter what the circumstances you’ve been handed with.

I remember one time, as I looked in the mirror while I brushed my teeth, vivid memories of my dirty past came rushing back in my mind. I felt my soul cringe in dismay, and instantly, I was bawling (FYI: it's hard to cry with foam in your mouth). All of a sudden, I started grieving for the father I never had. At that moment, I was allowing my entire being to feel the pain of never having a good father figure in my life. After the river or tears, after the wave of “why me” questions, I prayed and started praising God for His fatherhood over my life. God is a good Father to the fatherless (Psalm 68:5), and I will eternally be grateful for the reality of His grace over my fractured life.

My truth is this: I will always be inclined to men giving me attention, but it doesn’t mean I cannot be self-aware nor be wise about it. God has already made me a new creation (2 Cor 5:7). There are going to be momentarily slips and falls, but I can choose to stumble towards God. He is gracious and forgiving. He forgets our sins (Isaiah 43:25).

My prayer for you, if you relate with my story, is that we remain steadfast in our petitions regarding our purity. May we never grow confident or arrogant to think that we have the power within ourselves to conquer the sin of lust. Lust creeps like a lion waiting to devour, we ought to not think so highly of ourselves (1 Peter 5:8). The moment we start thinking how strong we are, that’s when we’re most unguarded. As wretched sinners saved by grace, we’re better than that. Righteousness is imputed to us. It’s never found in us. Righteousness is externally found on the foot of the cross (Romans 4:24).

If you’re still choked by the chains of unforgiveness towards your father’s shortcomings or absence, let Christ’s forgiveness towards you fuel your freedom to forgive (Colossians 3:13). We must forgive the same way we were forgiven. I pray you turn your eyes away from your earthly father’s iniquities, and start looking up towards our heavenly Father who never falls short on giving us attention and love. His affections are sure enough to make us whole and complete, not lacking anything (Colossians 2:10).


May the grace of our heavenly Dad abound in your life,
—D


(P.S.: If you are a father or a husband that is struggling with your role towards your wife or your children, I pray you find godly men deeply rooted in the Word who can help you fulfil your responsibilities and duties. I pray you assess yourself well and ask yourself if you are being a good steward of your character and skills towards your family. Receive the Gospel. Turn to Jesus. He is the your Creator and He knows you better than you do.)