When Christian Men Are Jerks

Before anything else, I know that we are all flawed and broken as Christians. We are, besides, only human. But what concerns me is the growing breed of a particular type of men, both old and young, who are wolves in sheep's clothing. This isn't a new metaphor. We've heard it all before. I know it sucks that I'm using it to describe our supposedly brothers-in-Christ, men who should be protecting and caring for us, but this is a reality we have to face. I want to shed light on this issue because it is something more common than we think; something many girls (some even my friends) experience but do not speak out on. I'm not just talking about the guys from my particular church. Unfortunately, they are everywhere.

This is an all too familiar scenario.

Woman gets wooed by a man, and not just any man—A CHRISTIAN MAN. He is godly and charming, eloquent in his prayers, and always visible in ministry. Woman lets down her guard, gives it a shot, but he turns out to be something else, something far more different than the kind of person his faith claims to be.

These Christian men are the ones who use God as bait. They wear their Christian badge and use it as a free pass that will make women unhook the velvet ropes, welcoming them into their open, hopeful, and fragile hearts. They are the ones who treat women as cattle. They think the more they have, the wealthier they become. They act carelessly and toe the line of some boundaries, checking how far they can go and ultimately, if they can get away with it. They're the ones who want to get to know you too fast, too soon, yet don't dig deep enough to get to know you, because the goal is to merely snag you, even if there's no adequate effort to find out your likes, your dislikes, your hopes, your fears. They cloak their agenda with the seemingly innocent fabric of "friendship". They play their game knowing that most Christian women in church are good, kind, and friendly people, because let's face it, more often than not, they won't get snubbed in church. Women there are mostly warm and amiable, they are beautiful and smart, too. It's an easy playground for men like them, simply because it's not difficult to scout, collect, and select single women in church. Andami kaya natin. Heller. Mas marami pa tayo sa kanila. We simply outnumber them, and they will most likely to use this ratio to their advantage.

Now I know that my species is not perfect, too. I know that we all have our baggage of ugly, but the issue here is not this. The problem lies in the intentional manipulation, the premeditated deceit, the hidden agenda, and the schemes of it all. I know some women can also be like this, and I will not tolerate the same behavior just because we're supposedly on the same "team". Wrong is wrong, and we shouldn't be biased just because we belong in the same gender pool.

Women, what I want us all to learn is this—

Just because a man tells us he's Christian doesn't mean we should instantly put our guards down and throw our boundaries out the window. We should just be as cautious with a Christian man, the same way we are cautious with men who show us interest but do not share the same principles and faith. To think that all Christian men are great men and all non-believing men are bad men are both absurd generalizations to make. Jesus said in Matthew 10:16, "I am sending you out like sheep among wolves. So be as wise as serpents, but innocent as doves." I'm sure—basing on His wisdom, wits, and radical teachings—Jesus didn't just say that for nothing. Wise as serpents, but innocent as doves. It's a powerful and wisdom-filled command. We ought to do our part.

I've had my own share of emotional woes and heartaches because I used to immediately put a person on a pedestal, simply because of his or her Christian claims, whether in romance or in friendship. The title won't matter, as long as there is no authentic relationship with Christ. Instead of truly assessing the situation and their character, I justified all the red flags with the magic words "but he/she's Christian," as if it's supposed to pardon and condone their atrocious, careless, and negligent behavior. We ought to know better.

If you are going through a painful time in your life, intentionally caused by a brother or sister-in-Christ, I apologize. I apologize that you have to go through this season and that this is caused by someone who should have mirrored God's love to you. I apologize because this doesn't just hurt you, but it hurts the entirety of the church as well. Please do not turn away from the church or assume that all followers of Christ are this way. The bible says in John 10:10 that the thief (Satan) came to kill, steal, and destroy, and sadly, there are just really ill-hearted people anywhere and everywhere, no place is exempt, even the Lord's dwelling. 

"You are not stupid for believing in the best in people," my mentor once told me. But let this be a lesson and an opportunity for you to rise above your hurts and come out victorious with so much more wisdom gained. Evaluate this experience and let it make you see the value of your priceless heart. You are far more precious than rubies (Proverbs 3:15). Do not allow this experience to make you jaded about godly romance, genuine friendships, and healthy relationships. Pray for your instigator. Cling on to the promise that God will vindicate you. Psalm 101:7 says, "No one who practices deceit shall dwell in my house; no one who utters lies shall continue before my eyes." All truths shall be set free in His perfect timing. At the end of the day, all of us are accountable to God.

As you journey this pathway with bruises and wounds, keep your eyes fixed on God. Let him be the great Comforter and Healer that He truly is. Let His Truth and Light bind your aching parts and bring your soul back into wellness and health. Plug into the ultimate Source of Love so you come out of this gracefully and lovingly. Remember, strength isn't always about being in the right, or proving everyone else you are, or winning the battle.

Sometimes, strength takes a more gentle form. One that still chooses to love and forgive despite all the despair—one that still hopes to see the color and light from God's heart amidst the gray shades of pain.

PS: If you are a Christian man who identifies with my description above and this pulls on your heartstrings and speaks to you, it's okay. It's okay to admit your mistakes and take the mask off. Seek help. Be accountable. That's where true transformation begins. Besides, we wouldn't need a Savior if we can fix our own selves. Repentance changes hearts and God's grace empowers us to have a paradigm shift. I pray you seek out the Lord as you allow him to chisel you to the godly, sincere, and loving man you ought to be. Ephesians 2:8 and 9 says, "For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is a gift from God—not by works, so that no one can boast."