Self-induced Orgasms

When I shared my heart out about my commitment to pursuing purity (read here), I mentioned that I still stumble and fall alone. Yes, alone. I struggle with my desire to be freed from the insatiable lust that I attempt to satisfy myself. Three steps forward, two steps back.

I can still remember it so vividly in my mind. I was a young, 6-year old child when a “family friend” played a VHS tape (the DVD of the 90s) on our bulky television set. The kind that has retractable antennas and a box-type body, with its back sticking out like a giant Lego piece. The actors on the screen weren’t having sex per se, but they were obviously performing some sort of sexual activity. I didn't know what to make of it back then, but all those images evoked a different kind of curiosity in me. Good thing a relative walked in, shut off the TV, and growled at him before it got to the actual deed. He made a joke out of it and laughed. I guess he found it funny to witness and strip away a child’s innocence that way.

Later on in my elementary years, a classmate would always narrate to us what she read from the adult literature of a tabloid she often brought to school. It piqued my interest, and I felt my body react and respond to the fantasy that played out in my head. This is where my sexual awakening began. Soon after, the detailed, graphic narrative didn't seem enough for me anymore—I wanted to actually see how it happens. I wanted to watch it right before my innocent, pure, naive, and curious eyes. Little did I know that I was about to open Pandora's box.

I can no longer remember my very first encounter with pornography. All I know is it was everywhere, and it was very easy for me to access. The thing about digital voyeurism is it releases dopamine in the brain; in the mind's reward center that lights up when pleasure is experienced. It's the very area that gets activated when you snort a line of cocaine, or when you puff on a cigarette. I wasn’t aware that every time I watched porn, I was allowing my mind and body to be enslaved to its intoxicating, enchanting, and hypnotic darkness. I had no clue that it was the beginning of a newfound addiction. Besides, hints of porn are everywhere, anyway. Sex sells, and I was becoming more conscious of it. What damage could it do, right?

I was in 6th grade when my girlfriends and I talked about touching ourselves. Of course we weren't intentional about it. Some of us just accidentally figured out that our vaginas could produce such a pleasurable sensation. We were hooked. We shared amongst ourselves how to intensify it. The more I consumed porn, the more I wanted to know what the actors were feeling. I desired to reach that peak. It seemed like they experienced this inexplicable pleasure that I enviously wanted to get a taste of. It took a while to figure out what felt good to me, but once I was able to unlock my body's code and I was finally able to feel the overwhelming current of sexual electricity flow through me, masturbation instantly became a habit.

I was 12 back then. And I still struggle with it now. That's a good 14 years of fighting, wrestling, turning away, and giving in. But this year, if I really want to be serious about my #WOMANUP2017 goals, then I must be open and honest about this, as I know I'm not the only woman grappling against her flesh in terms of this issue.

Pornography lingers in our minds. We think we can just zip up our pants and it's over, but we can't zip up our thoughts and forget what we've seen. Why do you think it has the power to lead to addiction and destroy relationships, even marriages? Porn isn't "just an adult show". It will never be. We can deceive ourselves into thinking that when we pull up our pants, we can zip up our brains along with it, too. But this couldn’t be any farther from the reality of the bondage porn casts over our lives. Porn has the power to hijack our logic and reason, and be a cheap, easy, inauthentic replacement for God. When I felt bad, I turned to porn. When I felt heartache, I turned to masturbation.

I remember while having a chat with a guy friend, I told him that my struggle with porn is something I want to be victorious over. He scoffed. "Porn? That's a man's issue!" What a big, fat, lie (Pornhub's 2016 year-in-review states "[...] the Philippines who have been holding down the number one spot with the largest share of female viewers for the last two years (2014 & 2015), were blindsided by Brazil."). I live in a country where females consume so much porn, we beat the entire world to it. Don’t be surprised. I think not many women are addressing it because it is considered taboo. Not to say that all these Filipina consumers are convicted to quit, but let’s face it, we still live in a pretty conservative country where genders are often stereotyped.

If no one’s going to start the conversation, let me. Here I am. I'm opening this door, not even to spark controversy or to garner blog hits, but ultimately, to start the much needed, authentic, clarity-giving dialogue amongst my fellow women—the kind that soothes and calms the spirit; the kind that leaves the other hopeful and expectant of internal revival. It’s very much tempting for me to stay silent, but it will not make anything better. As my good friend and recovered porn addict, J.S. Park, told me, “I think there has to be one or two people who are insistent on saying, ‘No, this is a problem, it’s real, I got it, no it doesn’t make us bad people, and if we don’t talk about it, no one’s getting healed.’”

I know this is going to get difficult, and awkward, and shameful for some, but it's okay. Let my little nook on the web be a space of safety, transformation, and transparency for those who struggle with lust and sexual purity. Trust me, I know how it feels—the guilt, the hopelessness, the humiliation. I've done so many dirty, disgusting, and irrational things because of my porn addiction, and only when we expose our sins to the light do they slowly, and I mean s l o w l y , loosen the choking grip of their claws around our necks. Keeping our sins secret do not free us from them.

I want to quit for good because porn and masturbation cheapens the real deal. Sex wasn’t created to be a solo sport. Masturbation is not a consolation prize for singles; it's not a justification for Christian women to “get off without sinning with another.” I am NOT called to mediocre purity. When we settle for this counterfeit, we are ultimately not just stabbing ourselves in the heart, but we’re also raping the Holy Spirit within us as well. 1 Peter 2:11 says, "Beloved, I urge you as sojourners and exiles to abstain from the passions of the flesh which wage war against your soul." (There are also so many physical and psychological cons when we keep consuming porn, but we’ll get to that next time.)

Porn is the anti-thesis to true intimacy. It is the enemy of love, and the underlying goal is destruction and death. Porn kills.

If I say Jesus is not just my Savior but also my Lord, then He ought to be the Lord of my life, my body included. Romans 12:1 says “Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship.”

So, how then, do we attack this problem? We continue to read on Romans 12:2, “Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—His good, pleasing and perfect will.” I agree. We need to disassemble certain beliefs and mindsets, especially ones that do not align with God's design, and allow Him to put the pieces back together. We need to shift our gaze away from pornography's deceitful attractiveness and acknowledge its fraud. We need to stop running away from the bad, and start running towards the good (Hebrews 12:1). Ray Comfort said, “The worm of pornography never dies, and the fire of lust is never quenched outside the foot of the cross.”

Like a battery pack trying to charge itself, I know I have no power in satisfying and filling myself this way. Eventually, I'll run out. I need oceans of His grace, mountains of his strength, and skies of his faithfulness.

This time, I don’t have to do it alone (pun intended), and I’m keeping my fingers crossed.



It’s time to polish the pearl, and I’m talking about our souls,
—D

PS: Since this is the first time I’m writing about this, expect more posts on specific topics about porn and masturbation. This aims to start the dialogue and open the discussion, for sure there will be follow up articles to shed light on subtopics, and to keep the conversation going.

PPS: My pastor friend, J.S. Park, is an amazing author (check his blog here). He wrote about his recovery from his 15-year porn addiction, and offers you the same hope and freedom. Cutting It Off: Breaking Porn Addiction And How To Quit For Good is currently only $0.99 (Php50) on Amazon. Click here to purchase his book.