This is your future self knocking some sense into you. You have a come a long way from engaging with him. Remember the emotional rollercoaster he put you through? The haunting memories that took up too much headspace? Remember how you wept as you prayed to forget? Remember the sick yet satisfying feeling that he’s watching over you as your days went by?
It’s been months since you disengaged and the memories are now faint, but he’s back in your radar. It’s almost paralysing, because you enjoy the attention and he makes you feel desired, but at what cost? He only desires you as a sex object, his masturbatory aid. He isn’t your friend. He may keep saying so, but he just won't see nor treat you as one.
Friends don’t fuck. Friends don’t lead each other on. Friends don't crumb the other. Friends don’t message each other at midnight reminiscing how good the sex was, or what they’d do to each other when they get the chance to be left alone. Friends don’t give vague, pathetic answers when you set a date to hang out. They don’t make the other hope for something that isn’t happening. Friends don’t do that.
Stop it, he brings out the wild, thoughtless fool in you. You bring out the overgrown fuckboy in him. There is nothing romantic about it. You have to see it for what it is: a booty call. You’re just another option. He sees you as a toy he can pick up when he’s bored only to leave you back on the floor when he’s done with you. That’s the ugly truth.
You are NO LONGER TO ENGAGE WITH HIM OR REPLY TO HIS MESSAGES. THAT’S THE BEST REVENGE: INDIFFERENCE.
He’s a man from your past—your messy, dirty past. Up until now, that’s still how he sees you. Can’t you recognize how he resurrects the cheap, dirty version of yourself every time he engages? How he effortlessly resurrects 22-year old Danah back? How he can easily make you do things you’ve already sworn off? He doesn’t see you for the woman that you presently are. He’s a call from your past, and you don’t have to pick up the phone anymore. Not anymore.
BLOCK HIM. He doesn’t deserve to see the life you’re building for yourself. He doesn’t get that privilege. He can’t even say he wants you around, he had to use 2 negatives to get his message across.
“I don’t know what I want, but I do know I DON’T want to NOT have you around.”
Translation: I don’t want you, but I don’t want you gone either.
Further translation: Be on standby as my doormat, my plaything.
FUCKING ROMANTIC. WOW. BUTTERFLIES IN THE STOMACH.
You can’t keep doing this to yourself. You can’t keep allowing him to manipulate you this way. You’re always too eager to respond, hoping that he sees your maturity and character and endearing quirks, but he won’t. He just won’t. No matter how much you try to talk about your growth or beliefs, he will NOT go that deep with you. You know you can’t pull the bait and switch on this. It’s a train wreck waiting to happen. You can’t use sex to gain interest. C’mon, Danah. You already know this. You don’t have to try to convince anyone to see your awesomeness. You don’t have to sell yourself short this way.
You are onto bigger and better things. You have to fully shut the door on the past. Shut it close. Turn the key and throw away the lock. Nail planks around it. You’re just an ego boost to his old, decaying manboyhood. You’re young, accomplished, and you being intoxicated by him feeds his hungry pride. You don’t have to participate in this savage cycle. You can choose yourself.
Forgive yourself. Grieve for the woman in you that allowed this to happen; for putting up with it, even when in your core you wanted to shut it down. Understand that you have a need for intimacy, but you can't keep running to its sabotaging counterfeits. Know that you can pick up the pieces and learn from your mistakes. Just because you went there doesn't mean you have to stay there. You can change your mind. There's an unforgettable lesson about rediscovering your value and worth at this point in your life. Dust yourself off. It's time to get back up again.
Remember, being self-ish means making choices that won’t hurt you in the time to come, it’s taking care of yourself, something that your future self will thank you for.
I see your value. Don’t let me down. I’m counting on you.
This podcast (Theocast) has definitely given so much clarity. It almost felt like these 4 men started huffing and puffing the smoke that clouded and filled my mind about this perspective on sanctification. Watch their video below, but I've already transcribed the best of the best parts.
Note: It plays at 8:15 where the actual discussion begins. You're welcome. 😎
TRANSCRIPTION (skipped some parts, edits mine)—
BRYON: It's the victorious Christian life phenomenon. It's pervasive. It contaminates everything. You might be wondering, "Shouldn't that how the Christian life should progress and how it should go?" If you begin to think about that concept—the progressive improvement, upward and onward, gaining victory as we go in reality—you begin to realize that the major issue with it is that it contradicts reality. It's opposed to the common experience of the basic human being when it's spiritualized and brought into the Christian world. It really is opposed to reality. On top of that, when people's lives don't go that way, they think they're doing something wrong; that the formula's wrong. They're not working hard enough. So that's where that pressure comes from. You feel that pressure, you walk in the church, you immediately look around and you say, laterally, "I'm not as good as this person, or that person, I really need to get on with it." The messages are driven that way, towards progress and improvement. "Here's how you can do it, you can be better than you were yesterday, always be improving." In its extreme form, this is "name it, claim it" charismatic theology. Of course we reject that, and it's easy to reject that, but it's hard to see it in the common place.
Triumphalism is that thing you feel but can't put your finger on when you walk into a place and all the doctrine is right, the pastor is biblical, their programs are solid, they're conservative, but there's just this kind of pressure on you. Triumphalism is just this constant pressure to improve. I even think, obviously, it's infected our understanding on what sanctification should look like.
JON: It's also confusing when you actually see it work, and it's successful. In your mind, "I am better, and I have improved, and I am a better person. I'm happy. I have stopped this sin, and I am now doing this habit, and I'm giving all the credit to the church, and the teaching of the church, and discipleship." Discipleship is driven by triumphalism. "I'm going to train you to become a better you." That's what discipleship is. A lot of times, people don't know what we're talking about when we point this out. The problem is that you can do this in a lot of ways. Other religions can do this as well, this idea that you can slowly progress yourself through religion to get better, it's just a matter of time and effort. I think because there have been results, people go, "Well it works, you're just not working it right."
RYAN: Well, I think what happens in most of the situations is and individual comes in, and it doesn't work at times, but what works is common sense, not some super spiritual reality that a pastor or spiritual leaders give. Most of the time, when triumphalism is preached, they're giving common sense, general wisdom type points. It's like, "Hey, if you want to have a better life, quit being a jerk. Have some discipline. Go to bed early. Hydrate." But individuals in the church, it's very easy to blame common sense for spiritual reality, but it's just that, it's common sense. And so my thought is, I can look at non-spiritual entities that have changed people. AA. CrossFit. Golf. But these individuals assume, that must be a God-thing when in reality, maybe it's not a God-thing. Maybe it's just a common "You-became-a-better-creature-'cos-you-had-some-discipline [thing]."
BRYON: When you diagnose something at this level, when you objectify it and define it, and you can point, "Well that is this." The moment you do that, you can make these sort of distinctions. So we know that triumphalism transcends the Christian world and the human realm. It applies to both, so you can find triumphalism in the basic American home. It's our consumer-driven market, successful, The American Dream manifest-destiny... and all that's fine. Go get it. I'm not objecting to that reality. But what you're saying is, what Christianity is, "Just spiritualize that reality." It co-opted this "improve yourself, pull yourself up, go get better" and it moved it and morphed it over in the Christian world. So the goals in our market-consumer driven world and the Christian world are basically the same. The end results are different, but the trajectory of life are kinda' viewed the same.
Basically, what we're arguing is, on the whole, we should be progressing. But not in the way that it's been described for us within the pietism of American evangelicalism.
Here's another good example in our own context. Triumphalism is all about the how-to. So if you come in on a Sunday morning, what you're expecting to hear is: "This is how you..." and then fill in the blank. What end up happening in our church was, we went completely away from that, unless it was driven in the text. I mean there are parts in the text that literally says, "This is how you do something." But the majority of the text is pointing out, towards an individual, which is Christ.So we transitioned that, and people were coming, and their entire life has been triumphalism, which is, "I was here, and now I'm there, and you're not giving me ways to do that anymore. You're ripping that out of my hands, you are not prepping me to be successful! I need the motivation, and you're not giving it to me." But we were giving them, "You need to progress, just not in the way you're thinking. It's in your faith, not in your triumphalistic understanding of becoming a better American."
RYAN: What happened in Christianity, in history, to cause triumphalism? Because at one point it wasn't part of the church, then at one point it was. Something had to happen.
BRYON: Ministry changed because ministry had to adapt to this frontier, to the manifest destiny, to the progress of the American spirit, to the individual. It began to present a message that catered to that reality, and it got absorbed. Religion became very individualized, religion became very privatized, it became primarily about internal spiritual realities, and it co-opted that whole sense of progress and movement and improvement moving along.
BRYON: Christ's presence in our life guarantees an improved existence of experience in whatever category of evangelical that you fit; there's a progress. So if it's defeating sin, there's a progress in that. If it's becoming enlightened, there's a progress in that. If it's being successful, there's a progress in that. If it's having purpose, there's a progress in that. Everything moves from Point A to Point B. It's always movement upward, there's always an upward trajectory in that—THAT'S THE THEOLOGY OF GLORY. Luther, who was facing that in the Medieval world as it concerned a mechanistic, moralistic form of redemption—works based redemption—said THAT'S RIDICULOUS BECAUSE IT DOESN'T FACE REALITY. Luther said the theology of the cross is basically a reality which is—LOOK AT THE CROSS. How did God accomplish what God accomplished? THROUGH FAILURE. THROUGH WEAKNESS. THROUGH POWERLESSNESS. And in that, you see the contrast between how man views things and how man would say things need to be done and how things are actually done. And so the cross becomes the baseline of reality. That our experience will be similar to that. If the cross is the clearest revelation of God's power and how He works, He works through failure, through weakness, and we can expect that to be our experience. So the theology of glory is: YOU'RE GONNA GET BETTER. The theology of the cross is: YOU'RE GONNA STRUGGLE, LOOK TO CHRIST.
RYAN: Okay, so what does improve in the Christian life? Paul says you aren't babies, you shouldn't be here, there is this language of growth. "Grow in the knowledge of the grace of our Lord Jesus Christ." So what does grow?
Well, I think the problem is we're immediately fixed with perception of perfectionism in that equation. I can only tell you it's not gonna get as good as you think it's going to get. It's not gonna be as better as progressively as you think. That's the theology of the cross. There's hardship. There's pain. There's difficulty. All aspects of our lives improved in Christ, there's no question about that. But it's not a competition. That's my point. Sanctification in itself is individual and variable. It's inevitable, individual, and variable. It happens in different ways. People are in different places, and if we follow triumphalism, what happens is that the standard becomes the best person among us. And the theology of the cross does not look at that that way because there is no best person among us. Because the best person among us, his or her works are as filthy rags. So that question in on itself is infected with this idea that "I can look around me and find somebody who's where I need to be, and they become the standard for who I want to be." And it inevitably leads to legalism. So my point is, you're comparing yourself to the righteousness of Christ, you're comparing yourself to the obedience of Christ. That's the standard, it's impossible. You have to rest in the righteousness of Christ. And you have to imbibe the reality that God is good with you through Christ and you wrestle in your space, you struggle in your space, it's not a competition. It's very similar to Keeping Up With The Joneses, I think that's our view of sanctification.
Just back to the verses that John quoted—the majority of those verses, like "You should have meat and not milk, you should know the Lord in these moments," the majority of them are not focused on doing. It's knowing.In our Christian life, we jump to the do. Here's what I need to do, do, do, do, do.Instead of here's what I need to know. I wanna increase my knowledge in Christ. Jesus wasn't immediately making the jump to "and so therefore you will go to the temple more, and pray more, be better, love your neighbor more." Those things happen, but it's a knowledge-based, "I want you to grow in the knowledge of the Lord so that in the misery of life, when you take those steps backwards, when you encounter those issues, when you go through trials, you will know better, you will trust better. Because we have been implanted with the idea of progressive sanctification—where people come in, students grow up, adults get saved—because progressive sanctification is the measuring stick that individuals judge their life by, it's all do. No one ever judges their life by how has your knowledge of the gospel increased as you read the bible. How has your knowledge of the word faithfulness increase as you fallen into sin and stupidity and misery? How has your knowledge of the Lord increase as you've gone through trials? We don't ever stop and consider that.
What knocks triumphalism down is you should care more about what you know, than what you do.
Someone will struggle with lust their entire life. That's not gonna go away. It's not to a point of "Take 2 of Jesus and you'll be better in the morning, and you'll never have that again." But it's, "The more I trust in Christ, I'll have the ability to deal with this." Not to the victorious or triumphant Christian life where, "Oh, now it's gone!" Because if that's the case, in my opinion, the man that is most successful in the Christian life never describes himself being that successful. Paul, right? He's like, "Man, the things I wanna do I don't do, the things I don't want to do, I'm doing those." And when he does point to himself, he says, "Hey follow me!" And what does he point to? His faith in Christ as he looks to Christ.
We're such binary thinkers that it's an "either or" category. There's no room for tension here, and that's what triumphalism results in. You're either moving or you're not. You're either moving forward, or going backwards. But theology of the cross says, "Actually, sometimes, when you're going backwards the fastest and the farthest, God is actually moving you forward far more than you would ever believe because that's how God works."
RYAN: The only thing that triumphs in the end is faith. Surely in the end, when you walk into heaven and you talk to Peter as he's at the gates of heaven and that whole thing, the only thing that's only going to matter at that moment is: what is your faith in and who is your faith in, and that it Christ. And yet faith is left at the beginning of the Christian life as that thing that gets you in and the victory, the finish line, is placed ahead of you. But the finish line is faith. That is where you end, that is where the victory comes from, that is the triumph—there is faith in Somebody else. We've obscured that and pushed the bar and made it so that first place is pick the best person you know, "If I can reach them at the end of my life, I'm good to go."
JON: I'm saying this for someone new. You're thinking in your brain, "Yeah Ryan, but James says faith without works is dead. So no, there has to be works." FALSE DILEMMA. We believe in that you should repent of your sins, fight against the flesh and you should help brothers and sisters who are struggling. Church discipline is for that person. It's to help them, not to hurt them. We're not trying to protect the church from the sinner, we're tying to protect the sinner from the church. We need to help you see your need for Christ here. What we're saying is it's gonna flopped and it's out of proportion. It has become THE point, and we're saying, no, the point is faith in Christ. If you're listening, and you hold this perspective, will you please send me some verses where it is very obvious where there are measurement points that you can reach. Because even in, let's say, the elder rule in becoming an elder, those are so baseline that you can't even really put a line on them. Some of them are basic, like, "Hey look, he's gotta have integrity. He's gotta have one wife at a time." If you could tell me, "If you start here, and you're 10 years old. By the time you're 50, this is where you need to be." If you can honestly point the bible verse and tell me where that is, we might be reading from different bibles.
BRYON: So two practical outworkings of this which are negative—the first one is, this is why we run over people who fail, and we reject people who are weak, and we ignore people who struggle, and we dismiss people who can't contribute in great ways. This is why "Go get a vision and change the world" is so ridiculous when applied across the board. There are some people who can live that way and do that, but not everybody can do that. If there's a person who's weak in the church and they struggle with sin, and addiction, and attitude, they're kind of just not healthy, or they struggle with depression or mental struggle—somewhere along those lines—the church dismisses them. Because they're not achieving the goal. They don't know how to work the system. Theology of the cross says, "God's probably doing more in their life than anybody who's working harder than you can imagine." John Owen said that when you're out there looking at another person who's like killing it, probably God's doing more in your life than his. That's the first effect, we run over people. Our value system shifts.
The second thing is—people who can't benefit from Christ, they just can't rest and benefit from Christ, it feels unnatural. I don't what to do with nothing to do. That's what happens to people who step out of that triumphalistic, pietistic world into the confessional world where you go from running to resting. And those are really the only constructs that you have offered to you. You either run for the approval, or you rest in the approval. You can feel this in the church, cos when you come into a context where there's not a gigantic list of things to do, ways to help, ways to improve, how to be better, how to achieve, how to overcome, how to be victorious when it's not just raining down on you all the time, you crawl out of your skin. Spiritually speaking, biblically speaking, we don't know what to do with nothing to do. We have to have something to do. There has to be something to achieve. I have to be better. We have to do great things. We have to conquer. It has to be bright and shiny, that's how we evaluate church.
I’m finally at the tail end of by far, the most dismal chapter the book of life has surprised me with the past 3 months. There are still flashbacks that haunt me, I won’t lie. Memories that sting when they spring unannounced, most especially regarding people I’ve dealt with and mistakes I’ve done. It pains me, it takes so much mental space, and I hate it. It becomes this endless, obsessive “I shouldn’t haves” and “if onlys,” looping and swirling in my head. It’s tiring, and as much as there are days I believe I’ve triumphed and finally moved on, much like a rollercoaster, there are unexpected drops that shockingly bring me to whole new lows.
I found myself asking God to make me forget this morning. Everything. I wanted to forget everything.
Have you ever prayed that prayer? “God, just help me forget. Just wipe my memory clean. If you’d just delete all of it, that’d be great. Please. I beg you.”
My pillows were stained with tears as my mind flashed a memory-montage of regret, shame, and guilt, but in that moment of internal turbulence, I heard a familiar voice that whispered in my heart as these lyrics played in the background—
How can I forget You? How can I forget You?
How can I forget the love that set me free?
The whisper was gentle, but certain. Faint, but audible. God told me, “No, I won’t let you forget. I need you to remember.”
I broke down—hard. How can I ask to forget my darkest days, when He was the only flickering light that guided me through it, despite the fumbling and falling? How can I ask to forget the wrongs I’ve done against Him when it brought me back down on my knees to seek repentance and atonement? How can I ask to forget the pain of a tragically broken heart when He is closer than ever to those who are mourning and grieving? Like an unconscious body zapped by a defibrillator, the Spirit awakened me to my senses. From asking to forget, I suddenly wanted to scramble through my prayer to eat my words.
All of a sudden, I uttered, in stark contrast—
Lord, I’m sorry. Please help me remember.
Help me remember how You saved me from death when you swiftly caught me in Your palm midway as I spiralled down deeper into sin. Help me remember how You protected me from wolves in sheep’s clothing who only hacked away from my heart with deception and lies. Help me remember how You specifically put people in my life to breathe hope, courage, and love into me when I was spiritually malnourished and dry. Help me remember how Your grace’s current flowed mightily through my veins, when I thought I no longer had energy to produce light within me.
I don’t ever want to forget. This is a story worth telling, and I need to remember all of it—all for Your glory.
(Lyrics from All I Desire by Victory Worship)
Romans 15:13
May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.
When I gave myself cheaply to you, know that I was at a bad
place in my life, my faith, and my womanhood. Darkness was getting a hold of
me, and I chose to succumb to my weak, brittle flesh, letting you in that
easily. I was filled with self-loathing and wanted to self-harm. Promiscuity is
often a response to inner feelings of worthlessness and ugliness, so if you count
me as a notch on your bedpost, please don’t. Please do not use that experience to validate whatever kind of manhood you think you had in that little while. In your heart of hearts, you're probably going through the same internal misery, and when
a man sleeps with a woman, he is her equal in that moment.
Know that I wept after we separated ways. I grieved. I mourned. I cried buckets
of big tears and breathed heavy breaths—the kind that makes my chest hurt. I desperately
gasped air for my lungs’ sake as my soul was consumed with regret, like an
incinerated cigarette slowly burning to its ashes. It takes two to tango, and I compromised so much of my womanhood to level with your kind of manhood. I wasn't myself. I have defiled my body and the sanctity of sex, and that is enough for me to languish and be washed over with despair.
Know that I didn’t let you see the whole of me. I may have
undressed in front of you, you may have touched my naked body, but know that
you still haven’t seen all of me. I showed you my sensuality, but not my soul’s
entirety. I am filled with remorse, because I’d like to think—despite the
bruises and the wounds—my soul is still worth getting to know, too.
Know that I’m sorry for using you that way. I was hurting, and hurt people hurt
people. I atone for it everyday. I know you’re more than just a body, but as much as
I wanted to discover you beyond that, we both know what we came for, and I know you wouldn't let me anyway.
But please know
this—I pray for the men I slept with. I really do.
Know that your manhood is far beyond the number of women you can get to sleep
with you. You were made to protect, not to prey. You were made to lead, not to
consume. You have hope. This hope is not to be sought or found within yourself, but in the God that has
called you towards good, pure, and empowering things. Your manhood is a gift, not a right to use our guilt and shame for your own pleasure. I speak the same about my womanhood. We're called to be allies, not enemies. We have become a generation so forbidding towards genuine intimacy, we think our bodies can play pretend without consequences. In the end, we crash and burn. I pray we both grow in our eternal identities found only in Christ. That's the only way we can lift each other up and complement one another in worthy, beautiful ways.
As for me, I'm on the path towards healing. I know I can never turn back time nor undo my actions, but all I know is, it is my heart's desire to be made pure again, and I can be. My God has a knack for making things new. That is something I believe to be true.
Create in Me a Clean Heart, O God
A Psalm of David, when Nathan the prophet
went to him, after he had gone in to Bathsheba.
51 Have mercy on me, O
God,
according to your steadfast love;
according to your abundant mercy
blot out my transgressions.
2 Wash me thoroughly from my iniquity,
and cleanse me from my sin!
3 For I know my transgressions,
and my sin is ever before me.
4 Against you, you only, have I sinned
and done what is evil in your sight,
so that you may be justified in your words
and blameless in your judgment.
5 Behold, I was brought forth in iniquity,
and in sin did my mother conceive me.
6 Behold, you delight in truth in the inward
being,
and you teach me wisdom in the secret heart.
7 Purge me with hyssop, and I shall be clean;
wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow.
8 Let me hear joy and gladness;
let the bones that you have broken rejoice.
9 Hide your face from my sins,
and blot out all my iniquities.
10 Create in me a clean heart, O God,
and renew a right spirit
within me.
11 Cast me not away from your presence,
and take not your Holy Spirit from me.
12 Restore to me the joy of your salvation,
and uphold me with a willing spirit.
13 Then I will teach transgressors your ways,
and sinners will return to you.
14 Deliver me from bloodguiltiness, O God,
O God of my salvation,
and my tongue will sing aloud of
your righteousness.
15 O Lord, open my lips,
and my mouth will declare your praise.
16 For you will not delight in sacrifice, or I
would give it;
you will not be pleased with a burnt offering.
17 The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit;
a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not
despise.
Casual sex is always driven by and founded on self-hate, at least for me. I know that every time I turn to it, self-harm is at the back of my head. Aletheia Luna said, "Sexual promiscuity is a reflection of inner feelings of ugliness and worthlessness." I couldn’t agree more. This woman isn’t a believer, and yet she supports this Truth. I never turn to hooking up coming from a good place. It’s always provoked by deep-seated issues of rejection. I found this a reality in the timeline of my life.
The past 2 weeks have been extremely tough, as the waves of consequences crashed over me—hard. It felt like the drug’s chokehold was too gripping and I was losing the breath of sanity and myself, and my sight was starting to dim. I haven’t been myself the past weeks, acting on impulse, begging for crumbs, going in circles like a desperate junkie looking for the next fix. I felt so low and cheap, I couldn't even recognize myself when I look in the mirror. But that’s what sex does outside of God’s container, doesn’t it? Placed within God’s boundaries, it is like a flame in a fireplace that warms the home. Take it out of there and it grows into a fiery monster, destroying everything that comes across its path. Also, simply put, lust makes you stupid. It hijacks the brain and clouds the sense of reason. It just does.
It's not all down the past weeks. I’ve had my good highs with God. By His Grace, He still gives glimpses of hope and heaven despite the storm. He moves me three steps forward, but instantly, I am dragged down by the enemy and the flesh 5 steps back. I’ve always believed that as I serve Him, I work for Him, but His word recently reminded me that He works for me, too. Isaiah 64:4 says that "God works for those who wait for him." Besides, He’s the best Worker there is, the type that never sleeps.
As I hit my rockbottom yesterday and grieve at the insanity I’m spiraling down into, I press the pause button. I felt time stand still as I took a good look at my life, my choices, and who I was becoming. I didn’t like what I saw, but I still felt defeated by the intense pull of my carnal desires. In that moment, I prayed. It was a simple prayer, but I meant it with every fibre of my being.
“God, give me eyes to see.”
I’ve been trying to see this storm from my naked eyes but I needed spiritual goggles to see what I’m up against. Instantly, I felt the Holy Spirit say, “Make a timeline and see how God and the Enemy are working behind the scenes.”
I pick up my pen and journal and started taking inventory of my past month. The beginning point of my timeline was my last week in Sydney where I felt my healing began. Two days after arriving in Manila, something heartbreaking happened that hit my soul-wound so hard I started bleeding again. I kept writing and tracing back the soaring highs and ramming lows of my obedience and downfalls. My heart started racing as I saw the pattern so clearly. Every time God elevates me to a new level, a new devil appears.
It sobered me, like cold water splashing on my face. I’m up against something spiritual here. I started reading verses on being set free and being bought for a price, then I blasted worship songs and sang my lungs out. I confessed. I praised. I cried. I begged. I felt the raging violence in my spirit calm down as God’s presence dawned on me like a warm embrace, like a Father hushing an injured child. It was such a sweet surrender. My soul has been exhausted from all the wandering, it’s about time I come back home.
Of course the Enemy wouldn’t let me go so easily. He hates people who love God and fight for His righteousness. As I slept last night, I was attacked through a dream. There was an imp disguised as a boy who kept reminding me of the rejection I went through, and started saying lies about my identity in his childlike demeanor. I didn’t know if I woke but it felt like it, and I couldn’t hear anything. Just dead silence, not even the deafening kind. I usually hear the ticking of my clock, but this time, there was nothing. I uttered the name of Jesus and closed my eyes, trying to reclaim peaceful slumber. I woke up after 2 hours and let my sight adjust to the dimness of the room. I get up, walk towards the curtains to draw them, and before I did, I shouted, “Let’s fight today, Lord!”
I whipped the curtains clear and the sun brightened the room in a flash. As I turned around, I saw my home in all of its colors and shapes, it felt like it was my first time seeing it. I blinked repeatedly and traced every corner and area with my eyes. My jaw dropped and I knew something supernatural was happening, I put my hand over my chest, took a giant breath, and started weeping profusely. I fell and sank into the beanbag, laid there, and wept harder.
The scales of sin has fallen off from my soul’s eyes.
“God, I can see. You have given me my spiritual sight back. I can see. You are so, so good to me.”
This is such a divine experience. Unexplainable. It’s like wearing sunglasses for a long time that you get used to the grays, but the moment you lift it from your eyes you see everything vividly again. Textures. Hues. Gradients.
I can see again.
I can see the depravity of my heart and its desperate neediness for Jesus—that every time I operate apart from His boundaries and design, I end up stabbing myself. I can now see the man I last slept with for who he is and how lost he truly is, and how I took advantage of that in my wretchedness and sinfulness. I regret it. I'm atoning for it. I can now see that I have nothing to boast about, because as long as I live, I will always be in the mercy of God’s grace. I can see that God is my advocate, my good, good Father, the one who diffuses the ticking bomb of the consequences I put upon myself. He’s so good a Parent that He disciplines me and saves me—even from myself.
I know the battle is only beginning, but the battle’s half won so long as I have a clear vision on how to fight.
Ephesians 1:18
I pray that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened, so that you will know what is the hope of His calling, what are the riches of the glory of His inheritance in the saints, […]
Ephesians 5:8
[…] for you were formerly darkness, but now you are Light in the Lord; walk as children of Light.
First thing’s first, I know how much you’ve mustered the tenacity and strength to fight the battle of promiscuity. I can imagine you declaring to yourself that enough is enough, that you finally have figured out your worth, and you’re determined to be whole again, and this time, on your own. I know what it’s like to have the burning desire to reclaim your womanhood for God and yourself. I can imagine you doing a little jig every time you said no to a possible hook up, because I do that, too—dance a little. I can imagine you feeling the wind of victory as your standards rise higher every time you see a glimpse of truth regarding you value.
I know how it feels; and as much as you want to take credit for the sex-free streak you’ve had for a long time, you must realize that it’s not because of you. It’s not because you’re strong-willed or good. It’s because Grace has empowered you to.
But pride comes before the fall, and for whatever lie you believed, you now find yourself filled with deep regret, because you’re back at square 1.
I know what it’s like. I know the cunning deceit the enemy has swayed you with, making you want to use sex as a means to escape, to be validated, to feel accepted and wanted, even if it’s just for a few minutes.
I know how it feels to use your body as bait, lathering it with potions and lotions to intoxicate him into a night of sensual pleasure. You make sure everything’s perfect—your hair, your skin, your dress.
I know how it feels like to allow his hands to go to places you’ve claimed to be your own, but the desire to feel desired is just too intense.
And as much as it felt good in the moment, that’s just it—a moment. When the high starts to fade and the reality starts to sink in, your heart begins to crumble because you realize the gravity of what you have done—not just to your body, but also to your soul, and his. Clearly you know—in your heart of hearts—it was a mistake. One that cannot be undone.
I know what the violent warfare feels like inside of you, because I’ve felt that, too. The brutal push and pull tug-o-war with your fleshly husk and struggling spirit, because the mind says no but the body says go.
I know you know you’re a smart, wise, young woman, but this seems bigger than you, like a roaring wave, and so you cling onto the remnant of your faith’s sinking ship because it feels like you’re drowning in your own mind. The way you justify the situation, the scenario, the lies the enemy starts to convince you with in your own voice—it’s all too paralyzing.
But the truth is, you don’t want this man. You just had sex with him. The reason is that simple; but fact is, sex is complex.
You know that sex is more than just the physical. Even if you allowed it to happen, you are well aware that you had to put up emotional walls to make sure you’re heart is protected. Unfortunately, there’s no condom for the spirit. You repeat affirmations that you’re strong enough not to get attached, but the moment he messages you, you get weak in the knees. You will yourself to believe that he can enter into you and take nothing as he leaves, but we both know that isn’t the truth. Sex apart from God does nothing but rob, and you know it, for sex is the mingling of souls, the total giving of one’s self. It bonds you with the person, whether you like it or not. It isn’t just a skin-to-skin contact. It’s always, always beyond that.
We both know that the satisfaction you seek from men is nothing but counterfeit intimacy. It is cheap, quick to die, and it doesn’t see through you. It misses out on the things you value most about your womanhood, like your character, your kindness, or your wisdom.
BUT THERE IS BEAUTY IN BROKENNESS.
I’m not going to tell you to pick yourself up this time, because we both know you can’t. Seek God’s hand. Let Him pick you up. Recklessly pursue His Grace. Let Him remind you of your value and identity in Christ, because that’s the only real thing about who you are. Surrender your sexuality, your struggles, your fears. Cry. Weep. Grieve. Mourn. We both know that it’s difficult and debilitating, but it’s better to hand these over at the foot of the cross, instead of grasping it in your own, limited, finite, trembling heart. Let the waves of consequences crash over you, don’t forget the feeling of regret, for it is a sobering tool necessary for you to come into your senses every time temptation calls. But remember to hold on to the hands of the One who anchors you, minute by minute, sometimes, even second by second.
God knows your aches. He sees you struggle. Hope. Hope that you will be renewed as the days go by, so long as you obey. YOU MUST OBEY. There’s no other way. Ask for forgiveness, then forgive yourself. You are not defined by this, and He still sees you as good, anyway. It’s not because you are, but His Son is. You were brought for a price, and you are far more precious than rubies. Believe it, that’s the truth about you. Trust that the God you serve is a God of transformation and restoration—that even if you see yourself worn, torn, and broken, He is the Master Craftsman who can clean you, mold you, and polish you back into your purity and innocence. It is not impossible, because with God, nothing is.
1 Corinthians 7:23
You were bought for a price; do not become slaves of human beings.
Let’s go straight to the point. I see an epidemic amongst women my age, and I honestly wanna dart them with filled syringes for cure. Sadly, it cannot be treated by a shot, and like a disease that just won’t go away—this mental picture of the last, nice a-hole you dated just won’t leave you alone, either. I hate to break it to you, but it’s time to get up, get checked, get treatment, and get over it.
He’s the guy that treated you nice enough to fall for him, but not enough to label what you two have. He’s the guy still under the category of “boys who can shave,” but hey, he was just sweet & persistent enough to get you invested. He’s the guy you had incredible (but shallow) chemistry with, the guy you talked with hour after hour, but still managed to be elusive and vague. He’s given you just enough attention to keep you hooked, but not enough commitment to make you take it one step further. At least he pays for dinner, right? At least he’s not the type who's 5 hours late this time around, right? He’s “mister gentleman,” but he’s the exact bare minimum your father told you about. He made sure you’re doing the cha-cha-cha with him, gliding and stepping according to *his* pace. He says sex is ~special~ or ~sacred~, but still got in bed with you the moment you hinted an opening. Lastly and sadly (brace yourself ‘cos I’m finally gonna say it), he’s still considerably fitting in the pool of a-holes you allowed in your life and still didn't choose to be with you, but the only difference is, he’s ~nice~, and you put him on the tiny yet majestic pedestal in your heart.
It’s like saying you’ve tasted the best dog poo out there. Sure, it’s the most delicious, but it still is crap, and there's no denying that.
The real deal is he knows he’s got a hold of you, and you continue to allow it. The real deal is he knows he can puppet you with minimal movements of his fingers, and you won’t even go against the tugs of the strings. I know, I know. “But he’s the nicest guy I’ve ever met, compared to…,” you say. Sure, why don’t we take a peek at the history of the boys you dated—an honest, objective assessment—shall we? Let’s make an emotional inventory of the people you’ve handed your heart to.
The thing is, you’re also the type of girl who kept falling for crumbs. You were too willing and too eager to go for the jerks, the douchebags, the a-holes. You were willing to be the side-chick, the secret, the other girl. You were willing to be the doormat, the cool girl that didn’t have boundaries or didn’t call out behavior that made you straight up uncomfortable. Why? Because let’s face it, the attention, the desperation for a relationship, and the desire to be loved were all too real. I should know. I used to be like this.
So looking back at your history, is he a good candidate for your happily ever after? Maybe. But only if your happily ever after is a vision of you mothering this boy into (unwanted) maturity, petty fights on who’s upping their ego points, and you crying your eyes out every night because you know in your heart of hearts this isn’t what you desire and dreamed of.
No one wants to beg someone to convince them into choosing them, so why are you still there? It’s time to admit that the reality isn’t living up to the expectation. The truth really does set you free, but more often than not, it hurts you first.
I’m harsh? Maybe. But I’m not the one allowing a naive boy to mishandle my heart with carelessness and immaturity over and over and over again. You call me harsh, I call you masochistic.
Look, darling. I’ve been there. But you have to know this: the (seemingly) good is the enemy of the great. You want a great love? Stop settling for mediocre. There are far too many mediocre things in this world. If he’s not meeting your non-negotiables, then enjoy his friendship (or not). Keep him there. Set parameters and guard rails that you can be accountable to. Sometimes, most of these guys weren’t even supposed to cross over the friendzone, but we’re far too preoccupied with changing our relationship status that we just drag them onto the other side.
“But I just can’t cut him off!” Well, I know you’re attached, but who brought you there anyway? You can stop being a victim of this circumstance when you start taking ownership of your actions. Sure, you messed up, but you don’t have to stay in that mess because it took you a lot of time making it.
I want you to know this: that boy you’re holding onto now is nothing compared to the great Love that awaits you. It’s nothing like the fickle, emotional porn rom-com glamorizes. It’s not petty nor shallow.
Do you know what it feels like to be known fully—flaws and all—and still be loved to the core at the same time? I know you desire that kind of love. The love that sees you through and through and still musters the guts to say, “I choose you.” That’s the kind of love you’re looking for, and guess what honey, that boy ain’t gonna give it to you.
It’s time to make him step down the throne of your heart, and let Him take over. The only Being who can satisfy your deepest longings. The One who sees all of you. He’s the ultimate Lover of your soul. He’s the God who made your heart.
Get up, get checked, get treatment, and get over it. Until then, that cha-cha-cha you’re stumbling on is as good as it gets.
Proverbs 27:6 💓 Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses. 💓
28-year-old Danah Gutierrez loves Jesus, jazz, and jokes. She is an author, a public speaker, and an advocate. Oh, and she's a wannabe dancer, too. She swears she'll be a stand up comic someday.
~WORK IN PROGRESS~
♥ISAIAH 40:31♥
But those who trust in the Lord will become strong again.
They will be like eagles that grow new feathers.
They will run and not get weak.
They will walk and not get tired.
Say hello or ask me anything! thedanahsoars [at] gmail [dot] com
