I asked God to make me forget. He said no.
I’m finally at the tail end of by far, the most dismal chapter the book of life has surprised me with the past 3 months. There are still flashbacks that haunt me, I won’t lie. Memories that sting when they spring unannounced, most especially regarding people I’ve dealt with and mistakes I’ve done. It pains me, it takes so much mental space, and I hate it. It becomes this endless, obsessive “I shouldn’t haves” and “if onlys,” looping and swirling in my head. It’s tiring, and as much as there are days I believe I’ve triumphed and finally moved on, much like a rollercoaster, there are unexpected drops that shockingly bring me to whole new lows.
I found myself asking God to make me forget this morning. Everything. I wanted to forget everything.
Have you ever prayed that prayer? “God, just help me forget. Just wipe my memory clean. If you’d just delete all of it, that’d be great. Please. I beg you.”
My pillows were stained with tears as my mind flashed a memory-montage of regret, shame, and guilt, but in that moment of internal turbulence, I heard a familiar voice that whispered in my heart as these lyrics played in the background—
How can I forget You? How can I forget You?
How can I forget the love that set me free?
The whisper was gentle, but certain. Faint, but audible. God told me, “No, I won’t let you forget. I need you to remember.”
I broke down—hard. How can I ask to forget my darkest days, when He was the only flickering light that guided me through it, despite the fumbling and falling? How can I ask to forget the wrongs I’ve done against Him when it brought me back down on my knees to seek repentance and atonement? How can I ask to forget the pain of a tragically broken heart when He is closer than ever to those who are mourning and grieving? Like an unconscious body zapped by a defibrillator, the Spirit awakened me to my senses. From asking to forget, I suddenly wanted to scramble through my prayer to eat my words.
All of a sudden, I uttered, in stark contrast—
Lord, I’m sorry. Please help me remember.
Help me remember how You saved me from death when you swiftly caught me in Your palm midway as I spiralled down deeper into sin. Help me remember how You protected me from wolves in sheep’s clothing who only hacked away from my heart with deception and lies. Help me remember how You specifically put people in my life to breathe hope, courage, and love into me when I was spiritually malnourished and dry. Help me remember how Your grace’s current flowed mightily through my veins, when I thought I no longer had energy to produce light within me.
I don’t ever want to forget. This is a story worth telling, and I need to remember all of it—all for Your glory.
(Lyrics from All I Desire by Victory Worship)
Romans 15:13
May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.
—D
1 comments
Amen
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