The G.B. List

I laugh and cringe at the same time as I read this. I mean, I'mma give my 18-year-old self some credit since these qualities aren't so bad (it's really the side-notes that are making me chuckle). Actually, I think I did pretty good. However, I'm totally scrapping this list.

I was talking to some churchmates about our dating culture as Christians, and I strongly believe we're doing something wrong. As years go by, the singles ministry keeps growing in number (we make up 42% of the entire CCF population nationwide, 52% if we include the singles from the youth ministry), but I feel like we've hit a wall in terms of allowing men and women to form a friendship on a dating level. Women seem to be too guarded and demanding. Men seem to be too wussy and insecure (on the other end, some seem too confident and narcissistic).

I'm not bringing this is up because I have the magical formula to boost the dating scene in church. More than anything, I want us to be open in this conversation and figure out what both sides are doing wrong. Only then can we address the issue and search for solutions after we acknowledge that there is a problem.

As our discussion went on and on about everyone's ~favorite~ topic, here are some of the things I found out. 

(Disclaimer: these are what most of my friends aired out from that conversation, and these are in the context that men are the ones to pursue the relationship.)

1. Men in church are oftentimes discouraged because of a woman's societal class. They think they need to get on a higher level in terms of financial status before they pursue the girl they like, especially if she herself is very well-off.

I personally believe that marriage is a partnership, and it's a season to build. A time for two people to be creative and wise when it comes to their resources. So what if the girl's richer than you? What if it doesn't matter to her? Could it be your ego talking? I say don't extinguish the fire of desire before it sparks simply because of the societal class gap. I know that some may argue, "but birds of the same feather flock together!" Sure. But on the other hand, I also know couples who come from very different backgrounds that have opted to make the most of what they have and work their way up. Isn't that the beauty of marriage—

hardcore team work?

Consumerism has infiltrated our communities, even the church, making us believe that we're only ready to start a family once we acquire a certain amount of wealth. There is truth to this, don't get me wrong. I'm not telling you to ask a woman to marry you when you can't even fend for yourself. We do have to be financially ready when starting a family; a man is called to be a good provider. But how does God define good? When is it really enough? At what amount will a man truly be ready? 

I also want to encourage the ladies to woman up. "Leave and cleave," as the bible says (Genesis 2:24). This may seem difficult, but it is only right. Should you marry the right man for you (AKA your G.B.), he will be your sole provider. This could mean saying no to mom and dad's luxuries (bye, expensive bags! Bye, free trips abroad! *gulp*). It could mean tons of sacrifice, but it could also mean tons of spiritual fruits and a lavish, married life. 

2. Women tend to use the "I-want-to-focus-on-God-right-now" card when turning down a man they're simply not attracted to. They'd rather use the name of God in vain than be straight up and honestly say, "You ain't my type, bro. You cool as a friend though. Sorry."

Also, just to point something out... You mean to say that having a relationship will make you lose your focus on God? That's a terrible and dangerous mindset to have. It goes to show that relationships are your priority, and that they can even serve as a major distraction in your faith journey. Not to say that this reason is invalid at all times, sure, it could really be a reason, but that's not the context I'm saying here.

PS: This reasoning may backfire on you, especially if a man you like starts pursuing you after a few weeks of "wanting to focus on God."

3. There's a lot of misunderstanding when it comes to authorities men need to ask permission from. Of course, a man who has *good* romantic intentions towards a woman should definitely ask her parents, but must he also ask permission from her discipler? What about her d-groupmates 

(a d(iscipleship)-group is your spiritual family and support group, usually of the same sex)? 

How about his? 

There's a difference with sharing your intentions and asking permission. Magkaiba 'yung ipapa-alam sa pagpapa-alam. I personally think (and this is only my opinion) a man should tell his d-group and his and her spiritual authority over their lives, not to ask permission, but as a declaration (and of course for accountability). I don't think the guy should go through the girl's d-group auditions. This isn't to say that he shouldn't make an effort to be friends with her friends (or spiritual family at that). But for the woman to make the man jump through hoops for her friends' approval, that's just too much pressure for him. I think it's unnecessary and unhealthy. It's hard enough to win the hearts of 3 people (the woman, her father, and her mother, sometimes, even the entire family gets involved), what more adding to that number because of her d-group? Sorry girl, but he ain't gonna marry your sisters-in-Christ, too, ya know.

4. There are some men who will tell everyone about who he likes, but not the ~actual~ woman he likes to call dibs on her. 

I know there's nothing wrong with telling some friends who you're zoning in on for a potential lover. But I guess there's danger in this when it starts to seem like the intention is to build rings of forts around the woman (AKA bakuran). This may result to other possible suitors or interested men to back off and cut the pursuit before it even happens, simply because someone is already claiming her even if he hasn't laid down his intentions to her yet.

REMEMBER, GUYS: CONSENT MATTERS.

5. Some guys wouldn't start pursuing women unless they're already sure they like them back.

It's one thing to protect your heart as a man,  but another to be afraid of taking risks. Sigurista is the term. I get the sigurista move. I do. My thought here though is... doesn't it defeat the purpose of dating if you'll only make a move after knowing that the girl already likes you? You wouldn't know you have a chance if you didn't ask, would you? Isn't dating the season to test the waters and figure out if you both are a good enough match to pursue a relationship as boyfriend-girlfriend? 

6. Some women tend to reduce a man into a checklist of qualities, instead of prayerfully considering if he could be a good match for her.

Having a baseline qualities for the man you desire is good; I'm not telling women to throw their non-negotiables out the window. What I'm frowning upon is when we get too caught up with ticking the boxes on our checklist that it becomes a frantic search for these certain qualities, instead of genuinely enjoying each other's company and developing an authentic, sincere, and godly friendship. It's dating, not a graded "boyfriend tryouts" to complete a rigid checklist.

I remember listening to Timothy Keller's podcast, and he states that this generation is too nit picky when it comes to non-negotiables, it's almost impossible to please us when it comes to dating. 

He doesn't like Beyonce??? Well, #boybye! 

C'mon.

When a man puts his guards down, risks himself for rejection, and kindly asks you to pray about his intentions, I suggest we concede. I've known women I look up to give some men a chance to pursue them, even if their knee-jerk reaction is turn them down. There is room for God to move even when we think we're sure of what we want. There are a lot of unique love stories that started this way. My point is, maybe there's nothing wrong with giving everyone a fair chance, unless you totally resent that person and find nothing good in him, then I suggest you don't. But if a man is merely "not your type" or "not good looking enough," give him a shot. I'm not saying we lower our standards to accommodate everyone in dating, but maybe if the guy is a good man with your non-negotiables present in him, then why not?

If a romantic relationship is something that will be a huge part of our life, doesn't it make sense to pray about it? If we claim Jesus as our Lord, then we have to give him authority and Lordship even in our hearts—most especially our hearts.

There's so much unnecessary pressure on dating, especially among Christians. Dating isn't a guarantee to marriage, and it shouldn't be. It's a time to get to know a person more to see if he or she is the right fit for a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship. But then again, that's just me. 

I believe in purposeful dating, one that has a goal in mind, with healthy expectations and boundaries, of course. When we date with marriage as the too-soon objective, this kills the joy of a blossoming friendship that could potentially lead to a godly romance, and replaces it with the crushing weight of pressure on our shoulders. However, I do not agree when people make dating a love purgatory of some sort, a season to just "hang out," a relationship gray area while enjoying boyfriend-girlfriend benefits (sometimes, even husband-wife benfefits, nyay). Dating is not the label you use when you want to just address each other as friends but treat each other as boyfriend-girlfriend. Dating should head towards a goal, and that is usually a God-centered, romantic relationship, that could possibly lead to marriage. 

Personally, I'm in a season where I want to enjoy friendships with authentically good and godly men. I'm wise enough to know there's no ONE person out there for me (I mean, if someone mistakenly "took" my "the one" right now, that's gonna mess up the whole system of the "the ones"). I don't even know if God wants me to end up with someone, to be honest. But I'm putting my faith in Him, the Author and Holder of my life. 

As for my G.B. list, I'll keep it minimal. I know my non-negotiables, and He knows my negotiables. I'mma let God surprise me, should He will for me to have my G.B. someday. 

Maging realistic tayo mga beshie,

—D