The Hungry Heart

I just ate half a box of pizza, half a box of mojos, a glass of soda, some chips, and a couple of girl scout cookies. Did I mention I just had a bowl of bingsu with extra ice cream on the side a few hours prior? Wow. Even *I* surprised myself. I haven't eaten this much junk in half a year. Instantly, I was rolling down memory lane as I was brought back to a season in my life where I used food to appease and satiate my emotional hunger pangs.

Was I binging my loneliness away?

Being the hedonist that I am, I treated food like a drug. Food addiction was real in my life for a long time, until I decided to make a lifestyle change with my twin 6 months ago (no carbs, no sugar). I used to turn to and indulge in food when I was in the clouds of joy...

or the dullness of boredom...

or the gloom of sadness.

I knew I was injecting up my gastronomical dose.

Coincidentally, it's the week of Valentine's.

If I say I want to woman up, then I had to face the fact that I needed to do some internal digging. You know, to get to the root of the issue.

But... Do I really want to go there—in the dark, cracked, and ugly corners of my heart? 

Why not—if that's where the truth lies.

Funny, because when I lifted the hands from my eyes, I found myself realizing how nasty I can be as I look straight into the mirror of my soul.

Lately, I see most of my gal pals go through different stages of their own, respective love lives. As some of my girls are enjoying the honeymoon season of a year-old relationship, while others are floating in the newness of a potential romance, I am trapped in a conflicting bubble of duality. As much as I am happy for them, there is still the small voice in my heart wondering when my turn will come. All the good men are taken. Even the "below average" girls are. How pompous of me.

Jealousy seemed delicious, but thank God I am now wise enough not to take the bite. I need to respect and bloom in the season I'm in.

It's not the loneliness that's making the reflection morph into a monster by the minute. It's where or who I turn to that makes all the difference.

If I'm really going to be brutally honest, my internal dialogue started sounding like, "yup, it's okay to binge. I DESERVE IT."

Instantly, I've raised myself up on the pedestal. My needs. My wants. My gratification. My moment of weakness had to be coddled... with greasy, cheesy, doughy slices of pizza.

My bratty heart was throwing a fit, a tantrum, and if I couldn't get what I truly wanted, I'll get more of what I can have at the moment.

I say I want to be romanced by God, but I pick up the phone and choose to be romanced by the delivery boy instead.

Look, I know loneliness is a real human experience, and I cannot reject it. I can only go and grow through it. Embrace it, even. I'm not being hard on myself, because to be honest, I know I've been slacking off. I haven't been feasting as much as I should from the True Bread of Life who will not only satisfy the hunger of my stomach, but also the hunger of my heart.

The more I go deeper into this path of faith, the more I see how messed up, selfish, and broken I really am. It can get discouraging, frankly speaking. But I only get discouraged when my eyes are fixed on my inadequate, lacking, and will-always-fall-short self. I need to shift my focus. I need to look at Him and Him alone.

I may be filled physically as I feel my body enters a food coma, but the real feeding that needs to happen is in the vastness and insatiable expanse of my hungry heart.

💖Psalm 81:10💖
I, the Lord, am your God, who brought you up from the land of Egypt. Open your mouth wide and I will fill it.

Hay.

Minsan talaga, may mga araw na ganito.

—D