2017: The Year I Tame My Emotions

We're barely two days in 2017 and I'm already challenged to confront my demons.

"Sino bang lalake ang naging close mong hindi ka nagka-crush?"

I read the small speech bubble appear on my Telegram app. I've chatted with my mentor first thing this morning about how I'm processing the falling out that happened with my recent hetero "friendship". Like the sting of alcohol over a wound, it sure hurt, but it was required.

If this is the year that I woman up, then I better prepare for moments like this; ones that are uncomfortable, ones that tempt you to run away and hide under the blankets of your comfort zone, ones that will make you decide whether you want to get the magnifying glass, put it over the problem area and see how bad it already is, or simply ignore the symptom and deal with a more intense ache later on.

Oo nga naman. Kailan nga ba ako hindi nagkagusto sa mga lalaking gusto ko maging kaibigan?

I didn't know I was this shallow and deceptive until my sister pointed it out to me. Of course I was defensive. Of course I denied it. But it only made matters worse. This time, it's a loud alarm that I can no longer ignore. I need to get up, scratch my eyes, look where the heck it is, and turn it off.

I'm always the one to say cliché lines such as:

Friendship first! 

Hay nako, dapat friends muna.
Gusto ko 'yung next boyfriend ko friend ko talaga.

But maybe that's it, that last line. Maybe there's a gaping hole in my heart that I try to fill with hetero "platonic" relationships, conceal my desire for romance under the guise of friendship, and later on expect too much. 

I dive in too fast, too deep, and try to make things happen.

I can't believe I'm saying this. If I had a character blindspot, this is definitely it. But the truth shall set you free. I am not proud of this truth about me, but now's time I face it and look at it in the eye. Hopefully freedom ensues. 

Daddy issues. 

Two words I always uttered when my friends would talk to me concerned about my bad sexual habits and stupid decisions when it came to men a couple of years back. Sure, I had long stopped the screwing around, but maybe this time, it isn't carnal anymore. 

Maybe it just transformed into something else, something more emotional and less physical. Maybe the lack of complementing manhood to my womanhood—whether platonic, filial, or not—is something I need to address and deal with. Maybe it's time I face the fact that I pretty much don't know how to relate to men without a certain level of attraction, or even the slightest hint of sexual tension. Maybe it's time I acknowledge that I desire for a good male figure in my life since it's something that has always eluded me. Maybe I've been put in the friendzone far too long because I have yet to fully explore the area and see the beauty that surrounds it.

The thing about my emotions is that they're always so grand, always so overwhelming, yet always so fickle. When I like a guy, I can give you 100 reasons why I do. I'd always desire to nurture friendship with him, but whether or not I have an agenda or romantic expectations, that's something I cannot firmly answer. My mentor and sister were right. I have deceived myself.

My concern with the recent "friend" is that he awakened my desire to be desired. He unlocked the part of me I have caged long ago, ever since I started embracing my singlehood. I know I'm vocal about loving and maximizing our season as singles, but I wasn't aware that my heart longed for male attention THAT MUCH until this guy came into my life, complimented me a lot, and initiated affection. It gave me a high I haven't felt in a long while, and to be honest, like the drug I used to treat it to be, I was hooked. The cloud of attraction took over me; it muddled my decisions, it made me look past red flags.

That's what happens when I keep feeding my emotions. That's what happens when I choose to fog my reality with my optimism. They say too much of something is bad enough. Yes, even optimism. 

I came across this quote from Eat, Pray, Love, and it made me love Elizabeth Gilbert even more.

This is the year I refuse to be a victim. This year won't go by without me mustering every single strength I have to make things right. 

2017 is the year I will be taming my emotions.

Not because I'm jaded about romance; not because I'm a bitter millennial who's committed to not committing, and definitely not because I've lost hope for good men entering my life.

I will be taming my emotions—

FOR ME, FOR MY SANITY, FOR MY WELL BEING, FOR MY OWN GOOD.

I have a friend in his late 40s who's so at peace in his singlehood, it blows my mind. Sure, he's scouting for a partner by now, but whenever we do our occasional "I-want-be-romanced" heart to heart talks, he pulls me back to the surface before I even start drowning in self-pity and loneliness. 

"What makes you think that desire will be gone when you get married?"

Boom. Sapul. 

What a sobering question. Will my heart ever be satisfied when someone gives me attention and love? Will romance and marriage ever be truly enough?

I was watching Thanks For Sharing the other day, and Mike, one of the lead characters said, "Feelings are like kids. You don't want them driving the car, but you won't stuff them in the trunk, either."

I agree. 

This is the year I hold onto the ropes tight enough so I can steer the ship of my emotions better. Tell her that I'm in charge; that I'm the captain of this ship. This is the year I will experience deep friendship with good men, one that will make me feel protected and safe; one that won't play with my feelings or fan the flames of desire carelessly; one that will acknowledge my value and identity in Christ.

This is the year I will allow my heart to do cartwheels and twirls, as long as she stays in the bounds of the playground. This is the year I will allow my heart to feel, but not let her feelings overrule the mind. This is the year I will allow my heart to embrace others, but not without the discernment and wisdom of protecting her.

I'm looking at my demon straight in the face. I'm not flinching. I'm not backing down. 

This is the year my heart gets smart. This is the year I tame my emotions.