The Wrong Man

I've been trying to dismantle the psyche of a man. I want to know his strengths, his weaknesses, his triumphs and downfalls. A man is a mystery to me. Not a hard one to crack, I'm sure, because everyone tells me men are easy. Not in a condescending way, it's just how they're wired. Some of my very own male friends tell me that they can be very dense; that they are a one-track, simple-minded species, and will only play the cards they've been handed with. This is why in dealing with them, we have to spell things out (they take what we say as is). This isn't to undermine men, I'm sure there's more to them than that.

To dig deeper, I got a copy of Amari Soul's book, Reflections Of A Man. It's such a good read. It's a treasure chest of so many golden nuggets of wisdom on the different facets of man, but all pointing back to how he is when it comes to romance, women, and relationships.

My nose was buried deep into it but I had to stop and fold dog ears on certain pages. This quote is from the chapter entitled, "You Could Be Doing Everything Right."

Remember this: a good man can't be kept and the wrong man isn't worth keeping. So then you may ask, "What does a woman have to do to keep a man?" The answer is this... let go of the idea that it is within your power to keep him and focus more on finding a good man that loves and respects you enough to want to stay; therein lies the secret. You see, you could be doing all the right things, but if that man doesn't love, respect and appreciate you and the things you do, it will all be for nothing.

You think Mr. Soul nailed it on that excerpt? Wait till you see the "assignment" after this chapter:

List the main qualities of the wrong man that are absolute deal breakers to you.

This got me thinking. Although it's a good thing to list down the qualities you want in a man, I think it's also wise to list down the qualities you don't. Personally, this makes me in tune with my non-negotiables, and it makes me more aware of the red flags I shouldn't turn a blind eye to.

So, here goes. Let me try to paint a picture of the wrong man for me. This isn't to say he's bad, I'm just saying he's wrong, at least for me.

He is a paradox. He says one thing and does the other. Someone who doesn't know what he wants. He awakens romance but will get defensive and wash his hands the moment I ask for definitions. He puffs up his ego with image and self-confidence, but underneath the strong persona is an insecure little boy who pulls me down as I enjoy the highs of my hustle. He secretly thinks I'm below him. His words may sound like he values me as his equal, but his actions will make me feel small. He crumples my hurts and tosses them to the ground. He makes fun of the things that cause my heart discomfort and pain. He will trivialize them the moment I show my vulnerability. He isn't proud of what I do. He doesn't truly understand the importance of my advocacy. Someone who nods sternly when I tell him that being an advocate is a massive part of my life, but will poke fun of another's body given the chance. He uses his charm for his benefit and advantage. He plays the game. Someone who makes me feel exclusively special and desired, but in reality, I'm just another name on his list. He doesn't think my body is a work of art. He will compliment me with words dripping in honey but will subtly suggest I change certain parts of me. He doesn't lead. He doesn't care about the wellness of my soul. He will not take responsibility or accountability over mistakes I do with him, even mistakes he initiates. He doesn't sharpen me to be a better follower of Christ, someone who doesn't point me back to Jesus. He is a man afraid to face his own demons. Someone who won't make peace with his past, someone who has tripped and fallen and has chosen to stay there. Someone who carries heavy baggage and will use it as an excuse for mediocrity. Someone who uses fleeting, temporal comforts to soothe the ache in his heart, but pretends to be in love with Christ because it gives him a better impression, a more beautiful facade. Someone who will retaliate in the face of open, honest, and corrective rebuke. He is a man who enjoys my company but uses me as an emotional scratching post. He likes the idea of me–my accomplishments, my stature, my reputation–but he will neither dig deep enough nor exert necessary effort to truly get to know me; all of me.

Now that I've established the personhood of the wrong man for me, let me write down my thoughts on the follow up activity, because it doesn't end there.

List how, in the past, you've missed these qualities or reasons why you've tolerated them.

It takes two to tango, I've always believed and known this to be true. Unless it's absolutely an issue of abuse where one dominates the other without the other's consent. But that's not what we're talking about here. I'm talking about owning my mistakes and dropping the curtain of self-deception that's been getting in the way of my view so I can take a good look in the mirror and see all of me. Yes, even the ugly parts I'm afraid to see.

I'm an optimist. When I'm drawn to someone, I automatically magnify the nice and shiny parts and zone in on them. The parts I only see around church. The parts that are polite and sweet. The parts that are so "Christian" and godly. It's not always a positive thing, because I end up amplifying the good that I forget to take in the bad. I've tolerated a lot of poor and unfair treatment from men in the past because I've already embedded the best version of them in my mind, that even when reality hits and the not-so-pleasant parts are starting to stick out and show, I still cling on the ideal. It's kind of a delusion, really. And fantasies, no matter how whimsical and well-meaning, are still unhealthy because they aren't based on the truth; they elude it.

Self-deception was surely at play. I can say that now because I've allowed the painful rebuke of my mentor and sister to act like a flashlight over a wound I've long ignored. And when I saw how disgusting it already was, I finally had the sense of urgency to seek treatment and ask for help. The thing about lying to myself is that I've already had the ending played out in my head, even if the scene is obviously taking a different route. When the last frames surprise me with disappointment as they flash before my eyes, I crumble to pieces because I didn't get the finale I wanted. 

I've made mountains out of molehills, too. When passionate feelings of infatuation are starting to bubble in the surface, I tend to let it spill all over, instead of sealing the lid so it doesn't make too big of a mess. I've often thought that having strong emotions means I need to do something about it, that it has to translate to something else, which isn't always the case. Everything is permissible, but not everything is beneficial (1 Corinthians 10:23). 

I say self-awareness is a must-have pocket mirror in our life bag. We can always pull it out for the reflection check we all need to do from time to time. You won't leave the house with dirt on your face, would you? We must treat our souls with the same care and importance, if not, even more. Now that all these insights have been cracked open from their shell, it's time to make the most out of them.

Finally, write down how, in the future, you will better guard yourself against these qualities.

Sometimes, the worst has to happen for the best to come. If I hadn't allowed myself to be stepped on and played, I wouldn't start digging to find out the gem I truly am (Proverbs 3:15). Now that I know how I don't want to be treated, I need to do my part in protecting and guarding myself and my heart.

Self-love is a command by God (Matthew 22:39), because we cannot give something we do not have. I will exercise this love by being honest and true to myself. I will make it a point to evaluate and assess my intentions when pursuing a friendship with a man. I will hold onto the ropes of my emotions so I can maneuver them better. I will no longer let red flags fly by me, and I will trust my God-given female intuition. I will do my best to be in tune with it, and respond when it prompts me. He put it in our gut for a reason because He knows that we ought to safeguard ourselves and our hearts. I will no longer be silenced by the thought that I might hurt his ego. If something makes me uncomfortable, I will speak up. I will no longer put on the facade of Cool Girl and laugh at moronic humor or crude remarks. I do not have to fluff his ego, I need to get real with myself. I will bid him goodbye the moment he shows signs of manipulation and abuse, no matter how slight. It's better early on than too late. I will set physical boundaries and limit my expectations, because drawing these lines are healthy, not just for me, but also for him. I will see the man for who he truly is, not for the man I wish him to be, because it's unfair to keep projecting my aspirations and hopes to someone who will never be able to meet them. I will take him as he is, and free him as he is.

This activity is an eye-opener to me, and sharing it with you pushes me to keep these promises to myself. Please feel free to do this, too. I believe it will help us become better women as we hope for True Love and wait for romance.

Maybe it's time you paint a picture of the wrong man for you, so you can also figure out how to be the right woman for yourself.


Get to it, girl.
—D