Invisible Buffet
It's been
5 days of headaches, starvation, desperation, and tears. It's been a physically
tough week. The first two days, I had to sleep off the hunger pangs. There were
moments I thought I was going to have a migraine, that once in a blue moon headache,
that one-time-big-time, comfort-draining, throbbing nausea that chews on your
head like a crazed hyena. (No, I’m not trying to lose weight (duh). And no, I’m
not on some ridiculous diet fad.) But in all honesty, I AM FILLED. Satiated. The
I'll-pass-on-that-buffet-cause-I'm-so-full kind of satisfaction. Kahit Spirals pa ‘yan, ayoko. Solb na’ko.
BUSOG NA BUSOG. Despite my body's hunger and my gut's emptiness, my soul
has been busy feasting and binging on the Bread of Life, the overflowing, thirst-quenching
Fountain of Grace, the one and only True Lover of my soul.
Fasting
is a spiritual discipline that I never really understood. It was like Physics
class to me—I’m pretty sure it mattered; I just didn’t get it. This year, I
really wanted go through it, even if I crawl my way to the finish line.
I know I had to commune with God and take this seriously if I wanted to ready
myself for my #WOMANUP2017 goals and aspirations, if I truly wanted to become the
woman He destined me to be. I cannot do this alone. I knew I had to empty myself in order for Him to
fill me up with purer, better, and much more beautiful things. Godly things.
Here’s
what fasting means (I got this from my church’s handout).
Like my wine and cheese,
fasting goes hand in hand with prayer. You can’t just choose the other, it’s
pointless if you do. Prayer is simply having a conversation with God and
checking our hearts if our desires and requests are aligned with His.
As I pursued and
experienced prayer and fasting, I noticed a change in how I asked and pleaded
for my personal petitions. From “Lord, please give me…” to “Lord, only if You want to.” From Lord, “I want this,” to “Lord, I lift up (insert name of
friends/family/enemies here).” Now, this isn’t to holify me or anything, it’s
not even about that (me so durrrty). It’s just amazing at how His spirit can
work and move in me, challenge myself to be more like Christ, and elevate my requests (John 3: 6-8). Ultimately,
the Holy Spirit stirs us to be transformed into people who yearn to have His
way, His will, and His desires, shifting the gaze away from ours.
Death to self (Galatians 2:20). That’s it.
Teacher, I think I now get why the ball bounces back.
Death to self (Galatians 2:20). That’s it.
Teacher, I think I now get why the ball bounces back.
I haven’t felt this sense
of deep desperation for God to fill me up in a long while. Sometimes, we
puff up our ego with our intrapersonal skills and sheer willpower that we leave no room for His majesty to
work through and in us. And I truly know that what I can do are mere, pathetic jumping jacks
compared to the double, full cartwheels and back flips with aerial twirls He can
make me do. When we are weak, He truly is strong (2 Corinthians 12:10). I know I still have a lot of
time I can surrender when talking to God, I know I can still improve my prayer life, but I can say that I’ve kept my word
and commitment, only by His Grace. It was a slow and shaky climb, but I still
got to the top to see the breathtaking view, nonetheless. If there’s one thing
prayer and fasting taught me, it’s that GOD IS THE ONLY ONE WHO SUSTAINS AND
SATISFIES. Psalm 145:16 says, “You
open your hand and satisfy the desires of every living thing.” Oh, what sweet Truth.
The hunger of my body is
filled by the goodness of His Spirit. The cries of my heart are hushed by
the calming of His assuring Love and Faithfulness. The aches of my physical
are soothed by His promises—promises that I can hold on to, no matter how
bleak my situations may seem. Seem is the operative word.
Today may be the last day
of my fasting, but I ain’t gonna stop feasting on the invisible buffet. EVER. The spread is delightful and the food is abundant. I may be
physically hungry, but man, I am so, overwhelmingly spiritually nourished.
Share this Bread with me, will ya? Trust me, when you sink your teeth into this
delicious Loaf, you’re never going to worry about hunger pangs again.
Kain po tayo (cheret),
—D
Tags:
soul
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