So be lonely.

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Yesterday was a low day for me. I had an argument with my sister in the morning and we ended up ignoring each other the rest of the day. I hate that. We were in the same room but it felt like we were miles apart. All of a sudden, the fuzzy and warm atmosphere of our place turned cold.

It was about me leaving out parts of my story that resurfaced, and she only found out when I was sharing to a friend the previous night. Maybe I purposely left out some details because I didn't want to be hounded for my stupid mistakes, for looking past some red flags, for putting up with the man far longer than I should have. I am already well aware about all this, the last thing I needed was someone to rub it in my face and remind me. I'm sure it hurt her, but it hurt me, too. My sister isn't the most gentle person to speak with when it comes to matters of the heart, she's more of a tough lover. It's not necessarily a bad thing, I know it's coming from the overflow of concern, but maybe it just didn't sit well with me because I was desperately yearning for grace.

After our fight, I was so surprised at how dark thoughts immediately floated to the surface of my mind, like pieces of plastic that swiftly shot up from underwater. I wanted to walk out, smoke a cigarette, maybe even drink a little to let off some steam. It's pointless, really. Upon realizing that not all the voices in my head are mine, I grabbed my laptop, headed to the poolside, and talked to God instead.

I did my quiet time with the Lord. I was mostly staring deep into the blueness of the pool, but I know God was there. He met me. He's been with me all along. I haven't really sat still with God since the holidays began, so I made it a point to just be in His presence. I felt empty. I felt forlorn. I was asking so many questions but I knew I had to hear Him out, ultimately. My devotion was James 5:13-20. I needed to read those words. I needed God's assurance that it's okay to not be okay; that my faith and trust in Him are necessary balms that will soothe my ache, seep through the cuts, and allow healing to take place. 

A good buddy called me. "Kamusta ka?" The sincerity of those two words made me so vulnerable. I cried out to him. I made him read my recent blog post and he gave me his thoughts on it. I poured my heart out. He breathed life unto me as he rebuked me in love and held a mirror over my blindspot. He reminded me that I shouldn't and couldn't do it alone; that I needed grace, His grace alone. It was refreshing. I needed it. I'm so blessed to have friends like him—honest ones, real ones.

Stacy apologized to me that evening. I did the same. She even made me a sugar-free cocktail (calamansi cucumber, so gooood 🍹) as peace offering. She's adorable that way. We ended up watching Drop Dead Diva on Netflix (side note: I highly recommend this show for its body positive themes) till almost midnight. My sister fell asleep quickly after that.

When she turned off the lights and I just laid on my bed with the darkness closing in on me and the silence playing in the background, it hit me. It hit me hard.

L o n e l i n e s s . 

Tears welled up my eyes as my heart started fumbling for the true Lover of my soul. I pulled out my phone from underneath my pillow and started searching for bible verses on sadness. I won't even deny the fact that my fingers were itching to message him, to ask him how he was. At one point I had "happy new year" typed out. But I reminded myself that he doesn't deserve it. It's over; there's nothing there anymore, not even friendship. Those three weeks were simply not worth it. I don't deserve just three weeks.

God led me to Isaiah 41:10.

Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you; I will help you. I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

I bawled my eyes out. It's not even about cutting him off, or missing him. Maybe I missed the idea of him, or all the good juju he made me feel. Well, maybe I do miss him a little, but the pros simply do not outweigh the cons. Maybe it's really about me doubting if I'll ever find the real thing, and I had to be settled with that probability.

I held on to the hope that sorrow may last for a night, but joy comes in the morning. Truth is, I haven't felt loneliness in a long while—the sorrow of being alone, the desire of being with someone. Maybe that's what makes this sting a little more. It's been quite a while since the last episode. 

I was listening to Andy Stanley's preachings earlier, and he said that pain makes us magnify ourselves. It's inevitable, it's human nature. When pain is present, we tend to shift the gaze inward and focus on the internal circus that seems to be taking over hearts.

The thing about loneliness is that it's a reality most of us will have to deal with, but like the rainy weather that casts a gloom over our heads, it comes and it goes. Sunshine is still always bound to appear. Let me quote my homegirl Elizabeth Gilbert, because she really nailed it on this one. 

“When I get lonely these days, I think: So BE lonely, Liz. Learn your way around loneliness. Make a map of it. Sit with it, for once in your life. Welcome to the human experience. But never again use another person's body or emotions as a scratching post for your own unfulfilled yearnings.”

As I welcome this familiar human experience again, I plan to shift the gaze away from me and towards God, towards the needs of others, and towards the appreciation of countless, beautiful blessings in my life. I will neither dwell on it, nor will I use another person to be a bandaid over this wound. I will not allow it to be bigger than it actually is. I know better now.


I know that this, too, shall pass. I know that I no longer have to make mountains out of molehills because my Truth in Christ empowers me to think of beautiful things—good, pure, and pleasing things. My faith in God's heart tells me that time is on my side, and that He will turn everything around—even the bad things from my personal doing—for my own good. What a Savior He is.

Loneliness may be sitting next to me, but I do not have to embrace it. I do not have to pick it up and nurse it. I do not have to let it influence my decisions or character to compromise. I will not engage. I'm sure it will get up, dust itself, and walk away... soon enough. All I have to do is be still and keep my gaze forward. I may be lonely, but I'm not alone.

🌟 Deuteronomy 31:6 🌟

Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you.


Kapit lang bes,
—D

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