To the girl who has forgotten how to fight for herself
In life, God has blessed me with genuine, beautiful, friendships sisterhoods with amazing women that continuously push me to be a better human being. They say you are the average of the 5 people you spend most of your time with, and truth be told, I'd say I'm alright. My tribe has breathed so much life into me, especially during moments where the lights are dim and I cannot see much. They have polished me to be the woman I am today, and even though smoothening out my character flaws and bumps hurt, they had to do the necessary and sandpaper me. I will always be grateful to God for allowing our paths to cross and intertwine. To have just a handful of friends in a lifetime is a already heaven on earth.
One of my mentors and soul sisters is Isa Garcia, and I'm truly proud to say that she just published her own book! It's a compilation of letters on life, love, and God. I've gone through a deeply insightful and learning time of my life just recently (I'll let you in on it soon), and this is the letter that she specifically plucked out for me, from her book.
I hope you let these beautiful words sink deep into your heart. This letter has lifted my soul to tremendous heights; may you find strength and solace in every line.
To the girl who has forgotten how to fight for herself,
If I could traverse time and space, I would go on a journey to find my younger self, the un-rebel in all her teenage glory. We all have words we wish we could tell the people we used to be. I’ve written them out repeatedly, even though I know they’ll never reach her.
But I’m sure that someone out there is exactly like her, exactly like me — or, rather, the me I was years ago. We can’t get everything we want, so perhaps this is enough. Perhaps I can rest easy knowing that these words are not written in vain.
If that hopeful, scared, emotional teenage girl is you, what I really want to say right now is build. Build something I desperately needed, something I wish I had given myself years ago: a backbone.
Make it impenetrable, unyielding in the face of naysayers and the doomsday prophets. Make it sturdy so that it can never be worn away by time or circumstance; so that when you meet people who try to yank it out, all they’ll be able to grab is air and disappointment.
I’m building mine now and though it’s never too late to, I still wish I had done so when I was younger. I’ve learned the hard way that it can be pretty scary to enter the real world without one.
Now I understand better that, more often than not, to build your spine means to find your No. When a person blatantly wants use you as a means to an end, No. When somebody asks you to compromise who you are and what you believe in, No. When a person rips you off, deliberately mistreats you just to make themselves feel better, beats you into submission, or manipulates you into believing the worst about yourself, No. No. No. No.
Once more, with feeling: NO!
Because me? I’m the queen of sweeping things under the rug. I was brought up to embrace things with unquestioning passive aggression. Sometimes it’s brave to let certain things slide. But if we had to be excruciatingly honest with ourselves, then we’d have to admit that our passivity is something we glamorize just so we don’t face the facts.
That, in the end, all we’re really doing is condoning bad behavior.
What I’d like to tell the younger me is that when it is necessary, don’t be afraid to say no. The world will romanticize the heck out of being a yes girl but it won’t teach you the wisdom that comes with refusing the people and roads that are not good enough for you.
It’s after you’ve extended your first real no that you will finally understand the worth of your Yes.
Because your Yes is significant. It is the invitation that lets the things you deserve in. So many of the things you say Yes to in life will determine who you are and where you’ll end up. Your Yes is far too sacred to be squandered.
And though people try to downplay the fact, it’s really just as powerful as your No.
Because your No is a force that keeps both the horrible and mediocre at a distance. It allows you to find what is worthy to be invited into your one wild and precious life.
And what I’m learning about myself is that I will always be a peacemaker. I will always try to contain the conflict. Because that is who I am. But I no longer believe that being peaceful means being passive.
Real peace means being okay with the way the world is. And I don’t think I will ever be okay with people being disrespectful to me or the people that I love. Maybe I have to consider the crazy truth that, in this life, peace is something that you need to fight for. That when you know what you’re worth, you just have to rock the boat.
I’ve been wearing my No on my sleeve a lot lately. This backbone won’t be built in a day. It takes some time getting used to, standing taller, but saying No is definitely a start.
With love,
A girl still learning what it means to be brave
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